Got a problem with your beer monitoring equipment? Call the doctor!
"Hello. I’m Dr Frasier Crane. Welcome to another show dedicated to the beleaguered publican. Today we’re going to be looking at beer monitoring equipment (BME). Ah yes, the friendly eye, or perhaps I should say spy in the cellar. Well, it seems the lines are already buzzing; so let’s get talking to some publicans. Our first caller is Joe who runs the Wishing Well in Brighton."
“Hi doc. I’ve noted major discrepancies with my dispense records. They show pints regularly being poured at 4am in the morning.”
“So what’s the problem?”
“That’s simply not possible doc. I only trade up until 11pm.”
“Have you seen any evidence of supernatural activity at your pub?”
“I don’t think so. Why do you ask?”
“I just thought the discrepancies might be down to a ghost enjoying the occasional pint?”
“I’ve never encountered any ghostly apparitions Doc. Of course, there’s a much more likely possibility.”
“Such as.”
“The equipment doesn’t work as well as one or two people suggest?”
“Errr... I don’t follow.”
“Well, your assessment of the accuracy of the equipment might well be influenced by the err... potential benefits on offer. It’s there to police the tie Doc, we all know that. But if flawed data also allows pubcos to levy fines, they’re not going to complain too much, are they?”
“Are you suggesting that certain pubcos are benefitting financially from equipment that produces questionable data?”
“That’s exactly what I’m saying Doc. The equipment in my cellar was installed years ago. It’s never been calibrated and I’d suggest there’s little incentive for pubcos to ensure this work is carried out. After all, it’s a lot more lucrative to blame me than acknowledge the equipment might be faulty.”
“You raise a very valid point Joe. So, it seems we have at least one publican who doesn’t appear particularly satisfied with his beer monitoring equipment. Let’s gets talking to some more publicans. Our next caller is Susan. She runs The Workhouse in Blackburn.”
“Hi doc. My pubco have just hit me with a tampering fee.”
“How come?”
“The equipment in my cellar stopped working a few weeks back. I’m surprised it lasted as long as it did; it hasn’t been serviced since it was installed. I told my pubco that, like any equipment, BME sometimes stops working. They didn’t want to hear it Doc! My BDM informed me in no uncertain terms that I’d deliberately sabotaged it and the pubco fined me £4,700. The charge has shown up on my trade account! This means the fine has to be paid before I can order any more beer. They can’t do that, can they?”
“Susan, I would suggest you check your code of practice. I think I’m right in saying that pubcos are now prohibited from engaging in such cynical practices. Stay with us though, we have more callers to talk to. Brian runs the Straight and Narrow in Blackburn.”
“Hi doc. My pubco have just hit me with a fine based on estimated data. The pubco looked at my volumes and reckoned I’d been buying out. They’ve hit me with a £20,000 fine.”
“That’s one hell of a fine.”
“It’s down on the invoice as compensation. Not only that; they’ve stuck it on my rental account. I didn’t buy out doc and can’t pay the fine, so what do I do?”
“Why’s the fine based on estimated data?”
“The equipment has been on the blink for a while, so the data from a couple of lines was lost.”
“You’re saying that the beer monitoring equipment malfunctioned. So, instead of ensuring the system was calibrated the pubco hit you with a fine based on what they think you might have sold. Are they having a laugh?”
“Of course they are Doc. That’s why I’m fighting them. My court case is scheduled for next month. I think I’ve got a strong case.”
“So do I. Have you kept the invoices showing compensation being charged to your rental account?”
“I sure have.”
“Good. Make sure you let us know how you get on. I’m sure the outcome of your case will be of interest to a number of publicans.”
“Our next caller is Sue, she runs the Easy Way Out in Leicester.”
“I’ve just had a visit from the bailiffs, Doc. My so-called partner accused me of buying out and whacked me a with a £3,000 fine!”
“Did you buy out?”
“No doc. The pubco put the fine on my rent account. When I didn’t pay, they sent the heavies in. Now I’ve got a bailiffs fee to pay as well. On top of that I’ve just been sent a further bill; a bloody administrative fee!”
“Well, their actions do appear a little hasty. Have you considered going down the legal route and challenging their findings?”
“With what doc? I’m on the bones of my ass as it is! I can’t fight them and they know it! Why can’t they just deduct the money from my deposit?”
“Well, I suspect they’ve already trousered that!”
“What makes you say that?”
“Well, a couple of publicans phoned in earlier; complaining about a supposed deposit scam. When they vacated their pubs, they did so minus their deposit.”
“How come?”
“Well not surprisingly, their deposits tallied almost exactly with the dilaps bill. So, if I were you I wouldn’t bank on getting too much of it back. It’s probably already sitting in some pension fund somewhere. Does that answer your question? After all, why would they want to take their own money when they can take yours instead?”
“You’re saying that when I leave I’ll get bugger all?”
“I’m sorry to be the bearer of bad tidings Sue, but I’d suggest that’s a highly realistic scenario, yes.”
“******* *******!” (inaudible expletive)
“So there we have it. Flawed data, estimated data, lost data; it doesn’t appear to matter. The fines keep rolling out. By adding it to the trade account, pubcos are compelling publicans to pay the fine for fear of stock being withheld. Inevitably, some are then forced to buy out; an act of desperation which pubcos then argue justifies their stance. Ah yes, partnership. Where would we be without it?
"On that note, we’ve come to the end of another show. So, until next time, this is Frasier Crane wishing you good mental health, wherever you may be.”