Murder on the Pubco Express (with apologies to Agatha Christie)

I have called you together to expose the identity of the person or persons who killed Self Regulation. Yes, the self-regulatory code is dead. Its lifeless body was found by Doctor Vince Cable, who pronounced it dead at the scene.

I have now had a chance to review all the witness statements, and am satisfied that the killer is here — in this very carriage. The question is, which of you had both the motive and the opportunity to murder Self Regulation?

Let us start with you, Brigadier BBPA. You have faced accusations of abusing your position of access and authority — of wilful intransigence, and even despotism. Your control freakery angered others, and your refusal to consider commercial matters such as the balance of risk and reward caused much resentment.

While it is clear to me that you did not want Self Regulation to die, I have to ask whether your actions contributed to its demise.

And Captain Pubco — did you do everything in your power to ensure the survival of Self Regulation? Did you properly promote and ensure widespread awareness of its services? I say not.

Bishop ALMR, you engaged in negotiations on behalf of your own members and those of the IPC (Independent Pub Confederation) — though some claim you could not speak for them all. Indeed it is suggested you were gagged by Brigadier BBPA and prevented from discussing self-regulation with your IPC colleagues. Your involvement with self-regulation gave you opportunity, but what of motive? I sense you are not deeply upset by the death of Self Regulation. Did you want it out of the way?

Professor BII — you are a teacher, are you not? But it is alleged that you have allowed yourself to be influenced by the agendas of others. Your fingerprints are all over PICA-Service, which has been viewed with deep suspicion in some quarters. And what of PAS (the Pubs Advisory Service)? It was your job to introduce it to the group, but it never materialised. You bristled at the introduction of what you considered to be an impostor, but didn’t offer your own solution. Were you unwittingly complicit in the demise of Self Regulation?

And what about you, Superintendent FLVA? You were bitter about being bounced into a previous agreement that was presented to you at the last minute as a fait accompli. You let it be known that you would not repeat that mistake and said you were not minded to support Self Regulation in such a way again. Indeed, would it not be fair to say that you stood to gain from the absence of Self Regulation?

Finally, Editor PMA. What has been your role in this sorry saga? You seem to switch your sympathies between the pub companies and their licensees to suit your purpose and fill the pages of your so-called newspaper. One minute you are a staunch defender of Self Regulation; then the next you are heaping almost unbearable pressure upon it. Is this just a game to you?

And so we come to the denouement, ladies and gentlemen. I can now reveal that Self Regulation was killed by… all of you! Take them away, officers.