Beer troubleshooting

Symptom​

Feet cold and wet

Fault​

Glass being held at incorrect angle.

Action​

Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

Symptom​

Feet warm and wet

Fault​

Improper bladder control

Action​

Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training

Symptom​

Beer unusually pale and tasteless.

Fault​

Glass empty.

Action​

Get someone to buy you another beer.

Symptom​

Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.

Fault​

You have fallen over backward.

Action​

Have yourself chained to bar

Symptom​

Mouth contains cigarette butts.

Fault​

You have fallen forward.

Action​

See above.

Symptom​

Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.

Fault​

Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.

Action​

Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

Symptom​

Floor blurred.

Fault​

You are looking through bottom of empty glass.

Action​

Get someone to buy you another beer.

Symptom​

Floor moving.

Fault​

You are being carried out.

Action​

Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

Symptom​

Room seems unusually dark.

Fault​

Bar has closed.

Action​

Confirm home address with bartender, take taxi home.

Symptom​

Truck suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.

Fault​

Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.

Action​

Cover mouth.

Symptom​

Everyone looks up to you and laughs.

Fault​

You are dancing on the table.

Action​

Fall on somebody cushy looking.

Symptom​

Beer is crystal clear.

Fault​

It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.

Action​

Punch him.

Symptom​

Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.

Fault​

You have been in a fight.

Action​

Apologise to everyone you see, just in case it was them.

Symptom​

Don't recognise anyone, don't recognise the room you're in.

Fault​

You've wandered into the wrong party.

Action​

See if they have free beer.

Symptom​

Your singing sounds distorted.

Fault​

The beer is too weak.

Action​

Have more beer until your voice improves.

Symptom​

Don't remember the words to the song.

Fault​

Beer is just right.

Action​

Play air guitar.

Symptom​

Cold and unable to unlock door to hotel room.

Fault​

Woke up in hotel room, got up to go to bathroom and chose wrong door.

Action​

Knock loudly on door to wake sleeping wife. If this fails, find hotel worker to unlock door for you