Chris Maclean: people gasp at my testicles

For reasons that don't bear close scrutiny I have three jars of pickled testicles behind my bar. I have had them on display for years.

All pubs should have a USP. A unique selling point. I don't think this is mine really but I guess it is still quite unique.

When I had the cat neutered about 12 years ago the vet, who was a mischievous chap, put them, mounted, in formaldehyde in a jar and wrote an inscription on it.

A year later the dog's followed suit (in a slightly bigger jar). They became a talking point but it wasn't until the arrival of a pair of horse's parts in a substantially larger jar that my jars became such a conversation piece. These last ones were a product of a friend's horse he had gelded. He brought them back, frozen, from Spain.

I really don't remember why it all came about. I think it was a reaction to my regular Good Beer Guide​ entry which always said "Traditional pub. Good for games". I just felt they could have put "Unusual selection of jars behind the bar". But they never did.

So there they are, pickled, in jars on the top shelf of the bar.

People do come and admire them. There are often gasps when people become aware of what they are.

There are still rules about them though.

People must behave reasonably discreetly when talking about them

I will not let women with cold hands touch them. You know the stuff.

And when people say "this beer is the dog's" I politely point out the jar and say, "No, those are the dog's. The beer is merely good."

Anyway, why am I writing about my jars?

This week we celebrate St Valentine's Day. In the talk about romance and love often witnessed in bars a chap of 41 gloomily announced this evening that his wife, some six years his younger, wished to start a family.

Pitifully he asked me if I knew how he could avoid the situation.

I think I have the solution. I think I'll get another jar. It'll have to be bigger than the cats one but probably smaller than the horse one. It'll go nicely on my shelf.