Look out for the beer snobs

For those with ambitions of wine connoisseurship, be warned: it's not worth the hassle. Believe me, I tried it once. It was the most confusing day of my life.

To become a 'Master of Wine', the ultimate guru of the grape, requires years of dedication and study, a brain-frying catalogue of written exams, endless banging on about terroir and vintages and suchlike and, worse still, time-consuming tastings where you're not even permitted to swallow. Like I said, not worth the trouble.

Ignorance is, by no means, bliss at a wine tasting though. Amid the spittoons and fine glassware, a wine tasting can be an extremely scary place to be, especially for a beer writer. They make you feel like the guy from The Fast Show who's forever getting his coat.

Unfortunately, a lack of chutzpah has so far prevented me doing as the late Eric Morecombe did in a sketch about wine tasting. He took a glass of wine, swirled it, sniffed it, took a sip and rolled it round his tongue. Then he gave his considered opinion: "Cheeky... with thick ankles."

Beer, thankfully, has always lacked wine's academic airs. Beer is the solace of the everyday chap and, quite frankly, can't be doing with such excessive introspection. OK, so beer education is important, but there's never been and still isn't such a thing as a 'Master of Beer'. Quite right too - anything that requires holding a pen or scratching a chin is using a hand that could be clutching a pint.

That's not to say that beer is entirely without its pomp and pretentiousness. As beer has climbed the social drinking ladder, so too has the number of self-important beer snobs whose lexicon is becoming increasingly ludicrous.

You know the type: grandiose swirling of the glass; ostentatious inhalations; unnecessarily opaque and absurd verbal acrobatics; haughty guffawing at the word 'lager'; and patronising dismissal of any beer that isn't brewed by a 16th century monk with a limp.

The fact of the matter is, these condescending clowns are, so far as I can tell, incapable of describing what's in their mouth or on their nose with any degree of accuracy.

Sure, beer is just as complex as wine in its aromas and flavours but let's just shut up and drink it, shall we? All this flamboyant language may be entertaining but it can be intimidating and rarely informative for those new to the wonderful world of beer.

If you find yourself in the cross-fire of a beer snob's tedious witterings then a good tactic is to compare the beer in question with an entirely fictional one. It's a safe bet as the number of breweries and beers grows by the week and beer snobs are too busy losing friends and alienating people to keep their finger on the pulse.

So, rather than embarking in a battle of linguistic wrestling, describe your beer as 'like the Monkey Nuts & Bolts Bourbon Porter from the Biffins Bridge Brewery in Runcorn'. The beer snob will either be silenced and crestfallen by your superior beer knowledge or, better still, admit to having a few cases in his cellar.

Another way of easing the tedium is by playing Beer Snob Bingo ​(see downloadable PDF right​).

The rules are as follows:

1) Take a copy of these game sheets (one for you, one for your opponent) to your next beer tasting/beer festival or pub where the local beer snob may be propping up the bar.

2) Put an X through the word or phrase when you first hear/see it used.

3) If you complete a straight line (across, diagonal or down) you win!

4) To win, you must also shout 'Beer Snob Bingo' as loud as you can before drinking a pint of Foster's Extra Cold.