Pete Robinson: It's illegal, it's immoral or it makes you fat
The latest news from Liverpool, the Dept of Health's testing ground, is that a recently empowered special health commission has unveiled 'innovative' proposals and in-ish-nutives aimed at tackling poor health.
The Health is Wealth Commission, brainchild of the University of Liverpool, has compiled an early shopping list following months of intensive investigation by health experts.
The commission wants a 'fat tax' on takeaways, restaurants and supermarket ready meals together with a change in planning rules so that local decision-makers can control the number of bars and fast food outlets in local communities.
These recommendations are likely to have nationwide implications when the final report is published next year. By hook or by crook they will come up with the goods, the statistical 'evidence' that will lead to higher taxes and more control over your pub menus.
Larry Neild, one of the Health is Wealth Commissioners even suggested Coronation Street should set an example, urging Granada to "ban Betty's hot pot and make a health spa the focal point in The Street".
Also in the news is new research from America saying chips give you cancer, especially if you are irresponsible enough to feedthem to your kids. McCains won't be happy about this.
This dubious data is far from irrefutable proof, and reading between the lines it seems it's the frying oil that they are saying is carcinogenic. But "Chips Cause Cancer" makes for a better headline doesn't it?
Needless to say the usual suspects among our health spokespersons and charities have welcomed this silly scare with open arms. The British Dietetic Association, the British Nutrition Foundation and, of course, Cancer Research UK were the first on the bandwagon urging us to avoid chips like the plague and stick to our 5-a-day.
They must have been cock-a-hoop on reading the Foresight Report, published this week, warning that Britain is in the grip of an "obesity epidemic".
The report gravely warned that cancer rates will go up, type 2 diabetes will rise by 70 per cent, strokes will go up by 30 per cent and there will be a 20 per cent rise in coronary disease.
Hang on, I thought we'd just had a 20% FALL in heart disease by virtue of the smoking ban? I do wish these eggheads would make their minds up. They claim the associated chronic health problems will cost an extra £45.5billion a year, more than half the amount of money that goes into the entire NHS at the moment.
All you need to know is that this is going to cost you plenty.
Either convert your pub into a gymnasium or expect to pay a heavy toll over the coming months and years. There'll be increased taxes on alcohol, yet higher business rates, and punitive taxation of anything other than watercress on your menu. All for the good of the nation's health of course.
The big headline was "Obesity is deadlier than smoking", according to the report's statistics. Which leads to an obvious conclusion.
It's well documented that tobacco is an effective appetite suppressant. If obesity is deadlier than smoking, why not force all obese people to start lighting up? Cigarettes should be available on free prescription, and the smoking ban revoked to encourage fatties to smoke more.
They could call it the '25-a-Day Diet'.
