Darling's budget for bingeing

They tell a story at Westminster about the Labour MP, a former minor trade union official who had been awarded the safest of seats in the north-east, and duly sat in the Commons for 20 years and never said a word. Then, one day, Parliament heard the astonishing news that Fred Bloggs was rising to his feet.

MPs flooded into the chamber in time to hear the Honourable Member for Bumbleshire South say: "Mr Speaker, it's a bit stuffy in the Chamber today. Could we have a window open, please?" He then returned to his seat and never uttered a further word.

I feel that the Chancellor Alistair Darling is cut from the same cloth. True, he says more, but you rather wish he didn't. As Shadow Chancellor George Osborne remarked, you tend to lose the will to live when you listen to Mr Darling for half an hour.

All of us engaged in the beer business - producers, retailers and consumers -

reached for the suicide pill when we heard the almost unbelievable news last week that he had increased excise duty on beer by 4p a pint.

Mr Darling may have plenty of grey hair, but there isn't much grey matter beneath it. Brewing is one of the last great British industries.

We don't dig coal - we import it from South America and China. We don't make steel - we import that from India and mainland Europe. We've sold off the car industry.

But we still brew beer. It's still our favourite tipple, in spite of all the obstacles put in its way. And the reason we still drink more beer than wine is because of our love affair with our dear old, much-loved but soon-to-be-forgotten pubs.

At some time in the past few months, as he prepared his budget, Alistair Darling must have sat at the table with his Treasury team and discussed excise duty on alcohol. He would have been told the following:

l Pubs are closing at a rate of knots - around 20 a week.

l Beer has already shot up in price this year as a result of increases by suppliers, along with increased rents for licensees. Further rises are in the pipeline because of substantial increases in the cost of barley and hops.

l While small craft brewers are enjoying a rise in sales, most brewers are witnessing a dramatic decline in their fortunes.

l Binge drinking - while over-hyped by the media - is a social problem. It's connected mainly to the off-trade (supermarkets in particular), where beer is often cheaper than bottled water.

l Pubs encourage moderate drinking. People of all social backgrounds and ages above 18 meet and mingle in pubs. Younger drinkers learn to drink sensibly by mixing with more experienced older consumers. We need to attract younger and first-time drinkers away from supermarkets and into pubs.

Alistair Darling listened to this advice for a nanosecond and said: "Thank you. As a result, I intend to increase duty on a pint of beer by 4p. That will mean, by the time it reaches the bar, a pint will cost between 12 and 15p more."

A top Treasury civil servant, who saw his chances of a knighthood disappearing,

cleared his throat and said: "With great respect, Chancellor, won't that mean that, far from helping the pub, we will drive people out of them and into the arms of the supermarkets? The off-trade will pass off the duty increase by just demanding bigger discounts from their suppliers.

"Your measures, if I may say so, Chancellor, will encourage binge drinking rather solving the problem."

"Binge drinking? I never mentioned the phrase," the Chancellor replied. "I shall say the duty increase is necessary to help old-age pensioners."

There was an unpleasant retching noise

as the senior civil servant threw up on the carpet.

Now, if you will pardon me, I must go and see my bank manager. I need to extend my overdraft in order to afford a few pints of Bardolph's Old Throat Strangler in my local. If I can find one.

"Excuse me, officer, is there a pub around here?"

"Pub, sir? We don't have those any more. Have you tried Tesco?"

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