Chris Maclean: Ten things I hate about customers

Before I write a thing let me make it perfectly clear that I love my customers ~ mostly. But among my many customers are some with the most annoying habits. I thought I'd share some of them, in no particular order.

1 Customers who call out for attention, particularly if I am already serving someone. Equally irritating are those who claim "I'm next" implying I haven't been watching how things progress. I will get to each customer in turn. Honest. It's how I do things.

2 Customers who tell me what I want to do. They somehow think I'm short of ideas. "what you want to do is put TVs in for sport, you do". No I don't. If I wanted to put them in, I'd have done so. But, instead, I threw them all into the skip. Customers are forever suggesting 'improvements' which are at complete odds with what I'm trying to achieve. These are things they want, not what I want. And besides, the only person who tells me what I want to do is my wife.

3 Customers who believe they are skilled enough to teach my staff better than I can. Inevitably when new staff start, despite showing them all the fundamental skills necessary, they will be confronted by something they haven't experienced. The next thing you discover is that a customer has taken that member of staff under their wing and is coaching them in the finer skills. "Yeah, the single malts are rung up as whisky". "For a light and bitter fill the glass with bitter up to there, then give them the bottle". Thanks for that.

4 Customers who smell or are offensive. The smoking ban has thrown up a new issue in that people's bodily hygiene isn't always as good as it might be. Smoke used to mask it. Worse still is the disagreeable experience when someone passes wind. It is grossly unpleasant, difficult to identify the culprit and impossible to ignore. Swearing is almost as bad.

5 Customers who dither. The worst are groups. They all arrive at the bar. You greet them, ask them what they would like, and the leader turns around and says "Oi, Frank, what do you want?". They have been waiting to be served but only at the point when they are asked what they want do they start to think about it. "Gin and tonic." So you walk to the back of the bar, build the perfect G&T, put the stuff away, turn and serve the drink to be confronted with "Oh, and another one". This weekend I actually congratulated a customer who ordered properly. I asked him what he would like and he simply said "a pint of Guinness, a bottle of Bud and two cokes". Simple.

6 Customers with unruly children or animals. As a parent and a dog owner I warm to licensees who make me feel welcome with my companions. I try to make them welcome here. But I get so disappointed when parents allow their children to run amok, play behind doors and make noise and mess while they blithely ignore them. I keep hoping it will dawn on the parents that their children are a nuisance but it doesn't ~ and they look so hurt when you point it out to them. "But Jonny was only pretending to play diggers on the billiard table." Irresponsible dog ownership is just as bad.

7 Arrogant or pompous customers. Those who believe they are better than us. Those whose superior attitude and condescension attempts to degrade us. "What champagnes do you have by the glass?" "What, no Café Latte?" Nuts to them.

8 Last minute customers. They arrive at 10 to 11, usually pre-loaded, order drinks and then spend the next hour in the pub resisting all discreet hints to go home. These are the customers who usually make the most mess and leave the most drinks unfinished.

9 Boring customers. On a quiet Tuesday night in February there will undoubtedly be many licensees having to endure the pub bore. You have to resist the urge to scream "Say something interesting, fool". These are lean times and the bore could just as easily spend his six quid in the Three Squirrels. I once read "a bore is someone who deprives you of solitude without giving you the benefit of company".

10 Ex-licensees. There is an unwritten rule that you never go back into your old pub until there has been at least one more change of licensee. Even so it is embarrassing when a licensee goes back to their former pub. But equally annoying is when ex-licensees from a nearby pub hold court in your pub telling all who will listen about how important they used to be. They often still retain the hideous trait of pulling fistfuls of notes from their pockets. Theirs were not better days. Their standards would not be acceptable today. But somehow they retain their belief that they were great.

So what customer habits annoy you?