Chris Maclean: Parliament, Frank Spencer and the benefits of doing nothing

I rarely rub shoulders with politicians but last week I got to meet two. Two MPs to be exact. I met Greg Mulholland at a Proud of Pubs event and I met my local MP, Hugh Robertson, when he came here to lend his support to Proud of Pubs Week.

MPs are a curious breed. Many of the ills confronting licensees today are the direct consequence of actions committed by Parliament in its effort to govern our society. Smoking legislation, licensing law, police powers, measures for drinks, staff and employment legislation, disability discrimination and a plethora of other petty and draconian laws all emanate from the decisions made by Parliament. It is MPs doing it. And it isn't the consequence of a single piece of legislation but the drip, drip, drip of a succession of laws, many of which have their origins firmly rooted in the realms of reasonable thought, which gradually wear us down.

I want to recycle. Government wants me to recycle. But they offer me no incentive or help and punish me if I don't.

I want to reduce crime and disorder but the police offer me little support and are unwilling to intervene when they are needed, leaving me and my staff vulnerable.

These are all consequences of decisions made in Parliament.

So it is not unreasonable for many licensees to treat MPs with some hesitation, if not contempt. They are the ones to blame.

But here a paradox emerges.

We need allies in Parliament and the likes of friendly, grinning faces of Greg Mulholland are a welcome sight. Greg is an avowed supporter of our industry. Let me put it into print: thank you for your support of Proud of Pubs Week. One should feel grateful that we have a voice in a place where so much of the damage to our industry originates. They might help stop it. But look around the House of Commons and you'll find many happy smiling faces reassuring you that the future of the British pub is safe in their hands. And I genuinely believe that is what they think is true.

But Parliament more often appears to me like an ancient and ongoing episode of Some Mothers Do Have 'Em​. In each episode hapless Frank Spencer meant to do so well but always things contrive to end up with him making a complete catastrophe out something that was so well-intended.

So I ask myself what possible single thing could the House of Commons do that could be universally well received in the licensed trade?

Repeal the smoking ban, I can hear the people cry. Well, er, no. I wouldn't want smoking back and I know I'm not alone.

Change the licensing laws? There are too many vested interests around for agreement on that.

The harder I reflect on what single piece of legislation could bring a collective benefit for licensees, the more I realise (and this is where the paradox emerges) that nothing Parliament can do can make all of our lives easier.

The truth is that if Parliament was to make our lives any easier, the best thing MPs can do is do nothing.

Nothing at all.

Sit on their hands.

Chew the fat.

Contemplate their navel.

Whistle Dixie.

Anything but dabble with legislation.

There. Now wouldn't that make our lives easier for a while?