Mark Daniels: What type of drinker are you?

Which, if I'm honest, isn't very long.

Realising that this wasn't a particularly popular statistic amongst genuine binge-drinkers, the Government Think-Tank then came up with a ruling to clarify a binge-drinker, which is to say that they are somebody who can consume an excessive amount of alcohol within a limited time period.

With that in mind, I've just nipped to the bar and asked a couple of the lads how long they reckoned I could sink a half-pint of Kronenbourg in and they told me to try and do it in less than ten seconds. Now, I'm not actually a heavy lager drinker, in my defence, but I beat their time limit and so that must constitute me as being a binge-drinker.

Even though I'm not going to have any more to drink for the rest of the evening.

Realising that their theory of binge-drinking has probably come under some heavy criticism, those in the know have set up Government Think-Tank II, which has come up with the slightly risible idea of actually categorising drinkers - and they've narrowed the demographic down to nine different groups.

Of course, with the advent of the Supermarket I thought that they might have been doing this to try and get through to those who have abandoned pubs in favour of being able to watch the football while smoking a cigarette, but no - one of the first classifications I notice was the "Conformist Drinker", those who apparently believe that going to the pub every night is just 'what men do.'

Apparently, Conformist Drinkers justify going to the pub as 'me time' and think the pub is their second home, feeling that they have a strong sense of belonging and acceptance in such an environment.

I hoped that maybe that would be the only reference to pubs, but immediately I tripped over the "Community Drinkers", who like to drink in fairly large groups and feel a sense of community and social networking by - you guessed it - drinking in the pub.

And then there are the "Border Dependents", who effectively live in the pub which, for them, is very much a home-from-home. Apparently they go to the pub via a combination of motives, including boredom, the need to conform and because of a general sense of malaise in their lives.

So, not because they actually LIKE going to the pub then?

The report was commissioned by the Department of Health who felt that people were drinking excessively (read 'binge-drinking') and wanted to identify the reasons. No doubt, they'll then use this research to batter the pubs a little further and justify the automated rise in tax that will take place in March next year.

Indeed, they'll forget that my local Budgens is currently selling eight 500ml cans of Stella Artois for £6.50, which is roughly the price of two pints in many pubs these days.

I decided not to get frustrated with the report and instead have a bit of a laugh at its expense. I decided to see if I could categorise my customers, and started with my mate Billy. He arrives in my pub at 5:30 on Thursday and will pretty much consume my entire stock of Carlsberg. Same on Friday and on Saturday.

Looking down the list I figured he might justifiably be a Macho Drinker or, even better, a Hedonistic Drinker. Macho Drinkers apparently often feel under-valued, disempowered and frustrated in important areas of their life, leading them to have actively cultivated a strong 'alpha male' presence that resolves around their drinking prowess and who are driven by a constant need to ascertain their masculinity and status, both to themselves and others.

No, not Billy then. He's the least frustrated man I know, owns his own - very successful - business and has quite a lot of personal value. And he doesn't throw his masculinity around at all, because I've seen him wearing a pinafore.

Hedonistic Drinkers are either single/divorced or have grown-up children and find drinking excessively is a visible way of expressing their independence and freedom to themselves and others. Definitely not Billy, either - he's got a beautiful wife, three lovely young children and two houses. According to my dictionary, a hedonist is somebody who goes in pursuit of pleasure and sensual self-indulgence - and most of the ones I can think of are currently naked on a beach in Ibiza.

Billy just likes to have a drink - but he doesn't drink during the working week, if he's got to drive, if he has an activity to do with his children, or if he's ill. He only comes out when he wants to have a good time in a friendly, sociable environment, and then he enjoys himself.

I wondered if any of the other categories might suit him better then, but "Boredom Drinkers" are apparently single mums with restricted social lives who find solace in the bottle and "De-Stress Drinkers" have a pressurised job and a stressful family life that leads to feelings of them being out of control and use alcohol as a means towards relaxation.

This probably sums up over 95% of the population, because at one point or another we've all had a wee dram to take the rigours of the day away, but again it's not Billy.

The most obscure category here is the "Re-Bonding Drinker", who apparently has a very busy social calendar. This isn't my mate Billy, because he doesn't drink when he's busy, but every single one of us has 're-bonded' with our friends when we've been away for a few days.

I have to surmise, then, that Billy just drinks because he likes the environment of the pub, the people who come in, the pleasantness of my bar staff and the taste of his pint.

He's lucky though, because he doesn't fall in to the final category: the "Depressed Drinker". These are the people whose lives are in a state of crisis, probably financial.

And that accounts for the majority of us right now, whether we drink in our homes or locals; we're in this financial mire because the Government has used all of its spare cash not to help us, or to reduce our tax burdens or even save the banks from imploding, but to come up with yet another pointless report that just serves to bash the alcohol industry.