Hamish Champ: Health surveys often cause me to hurl
I don't know about you - and let's face it, why would I? - but the conclusions of some scientific surveys can make me chuckle to myself in public to the extent that anyone I encounter on the pavement veers away from me and into the path of oncoming vehicles, causing considerable harm both to themselves and other road users.
I know that as a journalist I am often culpable when it comes to fomenting the conclusions of a slightly dubious poll and what not. But I stand by this activity, insofar as I am at least bringing such things to the attention of you, dear reader, in as objective a manner as possible.
However there are occasions when even I do a double take. The latest chestnut concerned the effects on the human body of imbibing wine on a reasonably regular basis.
The survey in question concluded that the average (my italics) wine drinker consumed the calorific equivalent of 38 roast dinners a year through their habit of necking back a few glasses of Chinon or some other such variety, the implication being that anyone who thus drank was heading for the nearest fat farm, and on their own head be it.
But 38 roast nosh-ups a year is obviously less than one a week. When I was a kid my mum would serve up a roast dinner every Sunday, without fail. OK, I didn't wash it down with a bottle of claret but still, if I were to do just that these days where would be the beef? Eh?
Luckily I'm blessed to be in possession of a reasonably high metabolic rate; that despite eating what I like and drinking a few more units than government figures suggest is technically good for me my legs don't make the sound of two balloons being rubbed together when I walk.
That's not so for everyone. Some people only have to waddle past a baker's window to put on half a stone. We all know obesity in the UK is a Ticking Timebomb™, one set to explode within a couple of generations with devastating consequences for society, the NHS, the economy, etc. And yes, something must be done. Mustn't it?
But will this latest survey on wine consumption get people to change their drinking habits - surely its presumed aim?
After all, it was only a couple of weeks ago that I'd read that drunk in moderation - eg, a glass a day - red wine was a good anti-carcinogen. Yet within days of clapping eyes on that particular survey I read another which suggested that drinking more than a couple of glasses of 'vin rouge' a week was a sure-fire ticket to the nearest cancer ward.
I understand the medicos want us to grow up healthy - if not necessarily wealthy and wise. And we can all make adult choices about such things.
But sometimes, just sometimes, one can have a little too much information for one's health.
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With the Budget only a matter of days away I'll table my own call on the Chancellor to freeze duty on beer.
It won't happen, obviously, because slapping a penny or two on a pint is a cheap revenue-generating shot, and given everything else on its plate right now such a hike is hardly likely to trouble this government's conscience, vis-a-vis pub closures, related job losses, etc.
But given the events of recent months the tea leaves don't read well for Messrs Brown and Darling, beer duty or no beer duty...
