Chris Maclean: Beware of the Laminator...

The Curse of the Laminator.

It's a pet hate of mine.

Too many licensees have a half-cocked idea of the word-processing part of their computer and set out to create notices for their pub. Notices which might invite you, but usually prohibit you.

Today I visited a pub in which I counted fifteen different laminated signs setting out the basic rules of the bar. Obvious ones. No dirty boots, singlets, vests or workgear; restrictions on credit and payment methods; age restrictions; instructions on how to order food.

In the lavatories there were signs claiming that anti-drug chemicals were being used. No they weren't. Despite the sign saying so, this was a blatant lie. Implicitly the sign said "We've got a problem with drugs and we don't know how to deal with it". But they didn't want to put that.

On one level it seems churlish to criticise notices. After all they set out to spread information and a clearly printed, laminated sign can convey huge amounts of information simply and efficiently. But, for me, too often are they a simple excuse to avoid dealing with an issue.

"Didn't you see the notice?" they cry. "No" I respond.

It's a cop-out for some. But unusually because it is a printed, laminated thing it suggests it carries some authority.

Twenty years ago a handwritten notice might say "Back in five minutes" and people would know what that meant. With the advent of the computer people could now write officious looking stuff, stuff that had suggested an importance not possible with a handwritten notice.

This has clearly led to some creative nonsense which some licensees have taken up with glee. I'm very fond of the laminated notice that says "Please leave quietly and respect our neighbours" that is popular around here. It suggests a relationship with authority figures, residents and licensees. Not so.

There are three distinctive parts to this. The writer, usually the licensee, believes this is an important message and in a slightly ritualised way writes and prints the document and then reaches for the laminator.

The second part to this is what is actually on the page. Often the creator uses bizarre WordArt characters. "Meat Raffle on Sunday" with a swirling text pattern and colours fading out. It is perceived as both formal AND artistic. It is felt this adds to the sincerity of the message.

Thirdly the reader will respond to the image in a variety of ways but often affected by how the message is said, not what is said.

I will not mince my words. I hate bad spelling and grammar. Often "spellcheck" will spot errors. But not always. These computer-generated messages are often created by those too lazy to explain, encourage or direct customers into what is acceptable behaviour.

I try to stand when a woman enters the room. I give up my seat for the elderly. I say "please" and "thank you". I lift the seat and I say "sorry" a lot. I'd like to believe a customer in a pub, uncertain of the protocols of behaviour, would be given guidance by the licensee. Not simply be directed by a laminated notice telling them what to do.

The laminator, I feel, may well have a long term negative effect on the role of the licensee in the pub. It concerns me.

I accept I have laminated notices in my pub. But I'm anxious. Laminated notices aren't always for the good.