Chris Maclean: Sometimes a pointless, puerile gesture is worth it

I have a good space ready for it and I've several customers who claim they can "tinkle the ivories" reasonably well.

But my licence forbids live music.

It would seem my predecessor had so upset the neighbours that, when the premises licences were being devised, my pub was significantly handicapped; that thereafter live music was forbidden except for one weekend a year.

The incredible ineptitude of the Licensing Act 2003 is gradually coming to light. In the bid to determine premises licences a great deal of consideration was given to the opinion of local residents.

It sounds commendable. But those pubs run by licensees who caused offence to neighbours, such as this one, found their licences constrained with conditions. They didn't mind. They were permitted to do what they were able but all flexibility was removed. They were boxed into a corner.

Some months later, when the licensee moved on, the pub would be taken over by another licensee, who would run things differently. But the constraints still exist.

For example there is a nearby pub, badly run for years, which requires two bouncers every Friday and Saturday as part of their licence. When the pub went broke a couple of decent people took it over and transformed into a food-led pub. Very calm and genteel. But, even so, they are still required to provide doormen and are unable to remove them until the local authority agrees. Its been months now and these poor licensees must shell out £300 a night for two doormen to drink tea. That is lunacy.

I'm told legislation is on its way to simply permit "minor" alterations to premises licences. Unfortunately music, being one of the major areas of contention, isn't considered minor.

I've one vociferous opponent. (Oddly, his son, daughters and wife have worked here; no matter.) You cannot know a complainant until you've met this gentleman. He's clever, knows the law, knows who to speak to and knows how to make an argument.

Last year, during the Hop Festival, I arranged a TEN to permit music. I went out of my way to ensure no one was offended, no one was disturbed and that all activity ceased at 11pm. No problems, yet this neighbour complained. On the Saturday morning he marched in here indignantly complaining how I had made him, and his family, suffer. Impossible.

So this year I've added an additional day because of his vexatious stance. Strangely, I don't dislike the man but if he wants to be an asshole, let him. So every time he complains I'll add a bit. An extra day here, an extra hour there. Should he complain again about the music I'll go to 1am. Then I'll plan a music festival. I don't think it is just me. There are times when a pointless puerile gesture is worth it. Just to be bloody minded. Its satisfying.

So what to do about the piano. I don't know. There is a piano shaped hole in the corner of the bar and it would suit it here. But maybe it isn't worth the hassle.