Pub bitch: Mountaineers, Loonies, Boris, Football frustration and how to pour Stella

On the table

I can be a cynical old thing at times but I'm also a sucker for a good cause. Billing themselves as the Three Mountaineers, Lee Cash and Tim Doyle from Peach Pub Company, Paul Salisbury from Lovely Pubs and David Salisbury of Salisbury Pubs — yes, I know that adds up to four — are at this moment scaling Mount Kilimanjaro in Tanzania in a bid to raise £25,000 for a number of charities.

Given that between them this quartet have collected shelf-loads of industry awards and shifted several million quid's- worth of pub food, some might suggest it's a bit high risk to have them all up there at the same time. But boy will be boys. The quicker you all sponsor them, the sooner they'll come back down.

Visit www.thethreemountaineers.co.uk​ to cough up.

Loony Party fights our corner

With ministers and their shadows lining up to take shots at the pub trade recently it was nice to see the Monster Raving Loony Party (MRLP) inject a bit of common sense into the booze debate. The MRLP said it'd always been an advocate of 24-hour opening for pubs, the idea being "to allow publicans the choice to be able to open at the best times for them rather than fixed times". However, such flexibility seems to have been linked to the latest plague of binge-drinking, the party said. "We will NOT ban Happy Hours," it promised. "We will extend our Loony Party Happy Hour policy 'PAY FOR TWO... GET ONE' to all pubs. This will have the added benefit of stopping the 36 [sic] pubs a week that are closing due to government policy of high tax on drink." Loony, definitely, but lovable.

Beers give Boris wings

Mayor of London Boris Johnson may not be everybody's cup of tea — he's unlikely to be given the freedom of the city of Liverpool — but for anyone who likes a pint or two at lunchtime he's a kindred spirit. Recently the Blond One told Tatler magazine that a couple of beers at that time of the day gave him "wings". Yes, we thought that was another beverage too, but Bozzer insisted that a pint or two of beer at lunchtime saw him heading back to the office not so much drunk, "just ever so slightly superb". Johnson's observation may clash with modern thinking, which sees today's employers eschew any form of enjoyment for its staff, but for us here at Publican Towers, on this particular subject, the man gets our vote.

Football frustration

Bless Carlsberg UK. There's the brewer, trying to drum up customers for pubs by offering a free pint of its lager to Daily Mirror readers who could take a coupon from the paper into their local and watch England's admittedly superfluous World Cup qualifier against Ukraine on a big screen, and wha' happens? The game ends up being broadcast on t'internet. Bang go crowds of happy pubgoers cheering on the Three Lion'd boys on a big screen. Still, some enterprising pubs with free wi-fi were letting locals bring in their laptops so at least a few fans could crowd round to view the match. With understandable sanguinity Carlsberg pointed out its promotion was arranged before the TV rights went awry and besides, its goal had been to drive footfall into pubs. As opposed to football, presumably…

Nine steps to Stella heaven
Let's be honest, how hard can it be to pour a pint of lager? Quite hard, if you want to do it right, according to the people at AB InBev, who've come up with what the brewer calls the 'Stella Artois's 9-step pouring ritual​'. The process is evocatively — even provocatively — labelled thus: The Purification; The Sacrifice; The Beheading; The Two Finger Rule; The Cleansing… you get the picture. And, as a further part of its drive to raise serve awareness, the brewer has been hosting a global competition to find the bar person who can best pour and serve a pint of Stella Artois. More than 30 finalists from around the world will battle it out in the final in New York later this month. Will Maltby, of the Princess Victoria in West London, won the UK heat and heads off to the Big Apple with our best wishes…