Pub Bitch: beer baths, Protz vs Penguins, and the return of the Turnip Prize

Lathered in lager

Forget bathing in asses' milk. When looking to pamper themselves after a hard day at the coalface, the filthy rich of Austria want to clean up in a tub of, yep, you guessed it, beer. A spa located in a 700-year-old castle in the town of Torrenz has apparently filled its pools with 42,000 pints of Starkenberger beer, which is conveniently brewed on the premises. Spa bosses claim bathing in the stuff can remedy skin conditions and help blood circulation. There are seven 'lager lakes', which can be heated or chilled according to guests' wishes. Bathers can order a drink from the poolside bar or, presumably, merely dip their faces into their 'bath', open their mouths and swallow - although knowing what can leak into my local swimming pool I'd steer clear of that option if I were them…

Protz vs Penguins
Scottish indie brewer BrewDog has raised the hackles of Good Beer editor Roger Protz​ with its 32 per cent beer, Tactical Nuclear Penguin. Writing in a blog, Protz blasted the company for "pushing beyond breaking point what sensible beer writers and connoisseurs will take from this bunch of ego-maniacs". However, many of Rog's readers responded supporting BrewDog's ambition to develop products that challenged the established brewing community. The leftist beer-writing veteran known to some as 'Protzky' then conceded he hadn't read up on the brew properly before he'd written his piece, saying he'd visit BrewDog in Fraserburgh "next year", though he wasn't sure how to get there. A reader obligingly responded with details of buses, train times, etc. The internet; dontcha just love it?…

All friends again?

Following the collapse of the recent industry mediation exercise and subsequent squabbling, it was interesting to see so many parties come together the other week for the launch of the British Beer & Pub Association's latest campaign to get MPs to listen to the trade. CAMRA, the BII, SIBA the ALMR and various other acronyms were represented at the Westminster Arms for the kick-off - not that the free beer and grub on offer had anything to do with this, of course. There were even a couple Fair Pint bods, despite the anti-tie group's increasingly vocal criticism of the BBPA and, indeed, its cartoon character Mr Pinty. The latter, alas, did not put in an appearance, perhaps fearful - given Fair Pint's attendance - for his safety.  

'spoons launches man crèche

Always one for wizard wheezes to draw in the punters JD Wetherspoon, the mushrooming managed pub group, is offering a service with a difference at its pub in Milton Keynes. A 'men-only crèche' will be available in the Moon Under Water from 6pm to 9pm daily in the run-up to Christmas. Funny, I thought all pubs were effectively crèches for men, but then I'm old enough to remember Z-Cars and Worthington E. Aimed at blokes whose wives or girlfriends have gone shopping, a specially cordoned-off area in the pub will feature a screen showing films, plus there's a Nintendo Wii thing and "a selection of magazines". Given the men-only nature of the exercise, one can only imagine the magazines' content, but it doesn't do to dwell…

Never a dull moment

Finally, a last word from those wonderful people at the New Inn in Wedmore, Somerset. Fresh from hosting the frankly bizarre International Penny Chuffin' Competition (see last week's Pub Bitch), today (Monday) the same pub announces the finalists in its annual Turnip Prize​, an antidote to the famous artfest held in trendy old London. According to the organisers points are awarded for meeting the criteria of: lack of effort; alliteration or pun used in a work's title and, finally, "is it shit?" Points are deducted for those trying too hard or "not being shit enough", although "getting disqualified can be seen as winning". Don't know about you but I reckon 'Knickerless Cage' (pictured) has a great chance…