Mark Daniels: A pint of Old Leghumper or a night at the Shady Lady Ranch?
As business folk we have a lot of complicated decisions to make, every single day. What shift Molly should be on instead of Julia, for example, or whether it should be Old Leghumper rather than Old Growler as the guest ale for next month, or deciding whether Beer-Belly Billy should be barred for getting a bit too drunk. Even, dare I say it, working out what profit we should be making on our pints.
Despite all the hours we work and tough decisions we have to make, however, I find myself grateful that I'm not faced with the dilemma that madam Bobbi Davis currently is.
The owner of the Shady Lady Ranch, according to yesterday's Independent on Sunday, has just successfully managed to secure a change in Nevada State Law that allows her to employ male gigolos for the first time.
Like publicans in England, sex workers in Nevada are required to be licensed to ply their trade. The wording of the law, however, prevented men from getting licensed because it was anatomically impossible for them to submit themselves to the legally required monthly cervical examination.
Davis, however, has finally managed to have the wording of the law changed and now her bordello is set to be the first to legitimately employ men. And demand from the ladies is, apparently, quite high. Equality rules, and all that jazz.
This success, however, has left Madam Davis with something of a problem. Now she has the ability to employ men, and the customer demand to make it worthwhile, she's got to look at restructuring her business. Starting with price.
She's facing two problems: the first is that she currently charges £125 for gentlemen to enjoy the company of one of her girls for forty minutes. Presumably that's 31 minutes chatting, one minute getting undressed, two minutes taking part in what you've really paid for, three minutes putting your clothes back on and another three waiting for the credit card company to authorise your, er, transaction.
Ladies, however, take a bit more pampering than some friendly chat and are hoping for something that lasts longer than the average time it takes to make a cup of tea. So an experience with one of her buffed boys means that Ms Davis has got to look at a minimum session time of an hour, because women all want massages first and cuddles after. Therefore, she's got to review her pricing structure.
The other problem Ms Davis faces is the simple one of performance. Forgive me for being crude, but ladies in this line of business can work for most of the day. Men, on the other hand, tend to want to sleep after five minutes hard work and more than two performances in a day is invariably impossible for any chap over the age of fourteen.
This means that the Shady Lady Ranch owner is going to have to factor the cost of Viagra and Red Bull in to her pricing structure and a staff roster sufficient enough to cope with demand.
It's a dilemma that Bobbi Davis has happily put herself in the position of having to deal with, and one that I'm sure she'll take to with as much gusto as she's put in to the rest of her career.
Funny how all businesses are faced with very similar problems to overcome despite hugely diverse circumstances but, with business decisions like that, I'm quite happy to worry about what price I should be selling Abbot Ale at instead...
Pedals and Pumps
Good luck to Paul Heaton who, I read this morning, is planning a 720 mile cycle ride in May to help promote music in pubs, by playing in fifteen different drinking establishments along his route.
It's a shame he's not heading across to East Anglia as I've been a big fan of his since The Housemartins and we'd have loved to have him play in our pub.
It all helps to highlight the issues that so many pubs are facing at the moment, especially with the restrictions around the licensing of live music still waiting to be lifted, and I wish him and his band all the best for a great tour.
