We have all met them; the doom and gloom merchants. They are easy to spot; their heads are prone to move from side to side as they recite tales of woe and misfortune. There was a time when this particular ailment was something of a rarity; it has over time however become increasingly prevalent, particularly amongst those within the pub industry. To be honest it is not difficult to see why. Much of the news coming out of our sector at the moment offers little in the way of solace; in fact it would appear only to encourage more and more of us to join their growing ranks.
I had always assumed that I was immune from this particular affliction, until last week that is, when my wife observed me muttering furtively to myself in the cellar whilst simultaneously engaging in lateral head movement. She suggested I seek medical advice immediately.
Somewhat reluctantly it must be said, I took a trip to the surgery. The doctor peered at me over her horn rimmed spectacles and nodded sympathetically when I told her that I was in the pub trade. I went on to describe the attack of lateral head movement and asked if it was something to be concerned about. She diagnosed a mild bout of HSS (Head shakers syndrome) and explained that it was an allergy triggered by continual exposure to negative stimuli.
She asked me to note down the time and frequency of the attacks, as well as any obvious symptoms, then pop back to see her the following week. Below I have included a page from my diary which some of you might find useful. Hopefully it will enable you to diagnose whether or not you are a sufferer of this particular ailment. If you recognise some of the symptoms, I suggest you seek medical advice immediately.
Friday 8th January
9.00: Latest beer invoice from pubco arrives in the mail. I take a look at the latest price of a 22. (Symptoms: Start to feel light headed with occasional bouts of dizziness).
9.40: Pop into the local supermarket to pick up some bread. Can't help but notice the latest drinks offers. (Symptoms: Onset of migraine coupled with slow lateral head movement).
11.30: My new BDM (the third in 10 months) rings me up. He informs me he's in the area and wants to pop in and introduce himself. "I've got some ideas to help you grow your business" he says excitedly. (Symptoms: Increased lateral head movement)
11.50: BDM arrives and begins to blather on about 'partnership'. He then informs me that I can qualify for a discount on my beer as long as I triple my average monthly barrelage. (Symptoms: Nausea, vomiting and rapid lateral head movement).
11.54: Give BDM several suggestions as to what he can do with his offer then go and lie down.
12.45: Get woken up by a lady purporting to be from the Unified Publicans Revolutionary Workers Party (UPRWP). She informs me that her party represent downtrodden publicans across the country and that I need to show solidarity with my comrades and buy outside the tie. I question the legality of such action but am assured that if I join them they will give me their full backing. When I ask her to clarify the nature of that support she urges me to show solidarity, enrol with the union, make a placard and join the upcoming march to Pubco HQ. (Symptoms: Dizziness and nausea).
12.47: Take the phone off the hook and try to get back to sleep. Proves impossible due to the onset of a full blown attack of HSS. (Symptoms: Dizziness and rapid lateral head movement).
2.45: No improvement in my condition. Get ready to go down to the bar. My wife advises me to stay upstairs. "You can't go down with your head moving like that" she says "what will the customers think?" Reluctantly I stay upstairs for the rest of the afternoon. (Symptoms: Dizziness and nausea and occasional lateral head movement).
3.45: Have a read of the paper. Headline says 'Tory Initiative for Drinks Industry.' At last, I think to myself, the politicians have finally recognised the damage done to our beleaguered industry and are ready to implement some constructive initiatives. It turns out that all they want to do is remove the ABV% measurement and replace it with centilitres. They also want the number of calories in each drink recorded on the bottle. (Symptoms: Increased nausea and accelerated lateral head movement).
At this point some of you are, I am sure, beginning to recognise some of the symptoms and are wondering whether or not there is anything that can be done to alleviate this debilitating condition. (The doctor had suggested I stay away from negative stimuli but, as you can see, that is easier said than done). No medication was prescribed by the doctor; at the time I felt somewhat aggrieved, but during the course of the evening I found out why.
8.00: A very slight improvement in my condition finally enables me to go downstairs.
8.15: (I had booked a Blues band several weeks earlier). The band arrives and begins to set up. People start coming in. The pub is suddenly alive with the sound of music and laughter; people are dancing and having a great time. The melodic tones of the guitars are accompanied by the equally wonderful sound of the till working overtime. I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror behind the bar and lo and behold, my head has stopped moving from side to side. In fact I appear to have made a complete recovery, so much so, that I am now beaming from ear to ear. "Feeling better?" my wife asks knowingly.
1.30: The traumas experienced earlier in the day seem a distant memory and at the end of a quite wonderful evening I reflect with a wry smile that the business we chose to make our livelihood puts us through the full range of emotions. Not only that, but tomorrow I will have the privilege of experiencing most, if not all of them, all over again. No doubt to the accompaniment of substantial amounts of lateral head movement!