Pub Bitch: Pub Minister no-show

Minister for what?

So, John Healy then. Minister for Pubs. Appointed to the role a few weeks ago, many wondered whether Healy would actually do anything for the beleaguered sector. Expectations, it has to be said, were not high. But then there was last week's debate on the future of the on-trade in the House of Commons (see page 5), where his ministership could prove his doubters wrong and offer his thoughts on the sector. MPs from all sides of the political spectrum gathered to do just that. Labour MP John Grogan, head honcho of the All-Party Parliamentary Beer Group, was there. Greg Mulholland, the Lib Dem bloke who leads the All-Party Parliamentary Save The Pub Group was there too. But of the minister for pubs there was no sign. Not a sausage. Bugger all. Thanks Johnny boy. You've been a great help.

Of primates and pints

CAMRA types aren't alone in spotting when they've been short-served. As well as the beard 'n' sandals brigade, it appears chimpanzees can tell the difference between a full pint and one that falls short. Dr Michael Beran, a psychologist at Georgia State University, did various experiments to see if the animals could gauge the amounts poured. "I wanted to see whether the chimps overestimated the amount of liquid if it was poured from higher up," said Beran. "This is an old favourite of the experienced bartenders of the world, where the patron gets the impression of getting more alcohol than is really true because of varying the height of the pouring." The chimps were having none of it, picking the largest measure "over 80 per cent of the time". So the next time a chimp walks into your pub, be careful…

Single to the massage parlour

I know many licensees work really hard to offer their punters the best customer service they can but you have to hand it to two South African businessmen Lourens Opperman and Louis Coedzee for going the extra mile. Well, five miles actually. The pair own a bar in Rostenburg, South Africa, and expect to cater for thousands of England football fans who will descend on the town for the forthcoming FIFA World Cup. Not only that, they will lay on a shuttle bus to a brothel five miles away, which is owned by Opperman. "With a bus between the two, we'll have everything a fan could possibly want," he told a well-known UK red-top. Yes, and I imagine they'll come home with all sorts of 'goodies' too…

No need to step outside

They're a canny bunch, the Swiss. As a way of getting round the smoking ban, introduced into a number of cantons in the country earlier this month, a bar owner simply cut a number of holes in the wall of his establishment, enabling patrons to stick their head and hands through and technically 'smoke outside'. Dino Lottaz told The Daily Telegraph he enjoyed a cigarette himself, "so I know how smokers feel. Someone suggested cutting holes in the wall. It's a bit of a joke but it actually works quite well. It can get very cold sometimes so it's not really an option to stand outside for a smoke." I can't see this catching on over here, but hey, you never know…

Flatulent fundraising

Natural gas and good causes are not common bedfellows, but there's always a first, isn't there? The UK's first sprout-eating contest took place at the Woodside pub in Crewe last week to mark the end of this year's sprout season and in aid of the local Macmillan Nurses charity. Stemming - sprouting? - from a bet between a couple of the pub's regulars, the contest quickly evolved into a challenge for the Woodside's head chef, Mike Coleman, to eat 10 pounds of sprouts in 10 minutes. Speaking before his attempt, slightly built Mike said he was confident of hitting his target. "I am already smelling success," he said in a pun of simply awful proportions. Licensee Denise Marchant said she would be standing upwind of Mike during the event, which she hoped would become a "repeat performance". Nice…

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