Robert Sayles: Exclusive - Pubco CEO defends business model
Pubco CEO and long-time friend of mine, Roland Rodent recently announced that he intends to retire in June 2011 after a long and distinguished career in the drinks industry. I first met Roland at university where we became firm friends; we were both later assigned posts in Kenya where our friendship developed before he returned to the UK to undertake a long and ultimately successful career in the city.
Last week, a group of distinguished guests gathered at the Dick Turpin in London, aptly named as it turned out, to pay homage to the man and acknowledge the enormous contribution that he has made to the drinks industry over the last twenty years.
Prior to the event I suggested to Roland that Publican readers would be very interested to hear his views on some of the issues currently impacting upon the pub trade.
He kindly agreed, and in this, the first of a two part interview, readers will, I am sure, be surprised by Roland's compassion and evident concern for the plight and welfare of his tenants. His knowledge of current issues is unparalleled, and this interview allows us a rare glimpse into the mind of a true visionary.
His impending departure marks a sad loss for the drinks industry; a great man who will be sorely missed.
So Roland, why do you think there is so much anti-pubco sentiment around at the moment?
Don't be fooled by any of this blatant anti-pubco propaganda. It's complete nonsense and has been instigated by a bunch of communists whose sole aim is to undermine our industry.
Do you have any evidence to support this allegation?
Well look at that Peter Luft fellow for a start. He went to Leicester University for God's sake; you can't get any more left wing than that!
Err.. well actually he went to Cambridge.
Well anyway, my sources tell me he's been hired by the commies to cause trouble! Don't forget it was these guys who stirred up the smoking lobby and look what they did to our industry!!
What is your view of groups such Fair Pint, GMB and the Pub Revolution?
There is plenty of evidence to suggest that these groups are being funded by Moscow. Putin wants to see us go under so that he and his cronies can move in and take over the UK pub sector. Look what happened to Chelsea for goodness sake!!
Didn't they start to win things once he took over?
Only because that Russian chap started waving his chequebook around.
What about issues surrounding the tie and high rental premiums?
Don't be fooled by this; it's nothing more than a red herring! I would urge my tenants not to let this smokescreen distract you from the real issues. The problem is the communists; we are your partners, the good guys. We must unite and work together before it is too late!
What do you suggest your tenants do?
They need to make sure they're on a secure agreement; preferably a 25 year lease. This will provide all the security required during these troubled times.
Security for whom?
I resent your tone! Are you trying to suggest that I don't have the best interests of my tenants at heart?
OK. Let's move on. How do you react to suggestions that pubcos are operating a cartel?
This is nothing more than idle gossip. There is absolutely no evidence to support this.
Well the established definition of a cartel is "a group of firms acting together to restrict prices." Given that there is an almost uncanny similarity in the price charged by the various pubcos for their beer some might go as far as to suggest that this in itself is evidence of collusion?
Absolutely not! I admit the CEOs of all the major pubcos meet up for a round of golf at the end of each month but we never talk about beer prices. None of us even drink the damned stuff!
So what is your view of those encouraging tenants to buy outside of the tie?
Well the trouble with this country at the moment is that political correctness has taken over; you can't do anything now without being taken to court. If I had my way then they'd all get a damn good hiding! Personally I think we need to bring back the birch; this is exactly what these people need and it would undoubtedly put a stop to all this nonsense.
You don't think that's a little drastic?
Not at all; these people are giving our tenants silly ideas. We've warned the government about them. Things were fine until they came along, now everybody thinks the industry is f……d!!
Well it is isn't it?
Of course not! Everything's been blown out of all proportion. A couple of tenants start complaining, the papers get hold of it and before you know it everybody's blaming us.
What about CAMRA?
Everybody knows that real ale drinkers are left wing; they're just out to cause problems. They've even got the health lobby on board. Have you heard the latest? They want pubs to increase the size of their chips by 32.7% so that people eat less saturated fat!! I blame the fat people for this. If so many people weren't overweight this wouldn't be happening. I think we need to ban all the fat people from pubs! They give us all a bad name.
You've been given a reprieve until June next year. What do you intend to do between now and then?
We will make sure that all the pubcos work closely with the BBPA to ensure that the framework that we initiated is implemented, thereby ensuring greater transparency and accountability.
What would you say to those who see the BBPA as nothing more than a mouthpiece for the brewers and pubcos?
Complete and utter nonsense; the BBPA is there to represent everybody, including tenants. The fact that I and several other pubco CEOs sit on the board is neither here nor there.
Is it fair to say that the pub industry is at crisis point?
Look, forget all this nonsense about a crisis. All we in the pub sector need to do is to eradicate the communists, the liberals and the fat people from our industry. Once we do that everything will be fine.
Have you spoken to Fabio Capello?
Yes. I told him that we pay his wages so he needs to deliver for us this summer.
Surely your tenants pay his wages? After all, they pay Sky not you.
Err…. yes well quite.
So what did Fabio say?
Guarda i tuoi affair - stronzo!!
What does that mean?
I have no idea; nobody at the BBPA speaks Italian. To be honest he sounded more than a little animated but I'm confident that he's very much on board.
What about the economy?
I've spoken to David Cameron and he assures me that if we help get him elected he can sort out the economy by March next year. I should think so as well considering how much we contribute to his party! I'm very confident that things will soon be back to normal.
You mean pub valuations will increase thereby justifying your exceedingly large annual bonus?
What exactly are you implying?
So how do you see things going forward?
If England win the World Cup everybody is going to drink themselves silly until the end of the year and then we'll all be back in business. In the meantime Cameron's going to sort out the economy and we'll take care of the communists and the liberals. Trust me, by this time next year everything will be fine; we'll all be making loads of money again and everybody will be wondering what all the fuss was about!
(Editor's note: Not quite sure whether Fabio is 'on board' or not. 'Guarda i tuoi affair - stronzo' literally means 'mind your own business you small turd!')
* This interview is entirely made up, Roland Rodent does not exist.
