Pete Brown: Publicans invented the notion of multi-tasking

One of the most curious phrases in the English language is: "One day I'd like to retire and run a pub."

I hear it fairly often, and yet it makes no sense whatsoever. You'd like to retire and run a pub? No, come on, which one of those two entirely contradictory and wholly incompatible ambitions do you most want to achieve?

Like most people who love pubs, I have my fantasies about running one myself. I've been seriously tempted more than once. I'm pretty confident that I have the knowledge and entrepreneurial skill to work out the right concept for a given site, and that I'd be a good cellarman and curate a great range of food and drink.

But I don't think I'd be up for the long hours, the day-and-a-half of red tape and bureaucracy per week, the negotiations with magistrates and police, the heavy lifting, the sheer hard work of it. I work hard at what I do — very hard — but there are limits.

I think my limit is an 80-hour working week, which I suspect wouldn't be enough on the other side of the bar.

But that all pales into insignificance beside the really hard part of the job - the creation of character, atmosphere and ambience, creating the soul of a great pub. 'Atmosphere' is regularly cited by pub-goers as one of the main factors influencing their choice of pub, and it all comes down to the person in charge.

I've spoken to many hardcore pub-goers who judge a pub according to whether the licensee is someone who can be relied upon to be behind the bar himself, or whether he's one of those suspicious types who's 'always upstairs'. If the gaffer can't be bothered to welcome people into his establishment personally, pub aficionados take it as a personal slight. They even refuse to class some managed chains as pubs at all - if it doesn't have a licensee in charge of his own bar, then it's some kind of fake, little better than a McDonald's with beer.

And assuming you satisfy people by being on the premises pretty much whenever the pub is open, that's only half the battle.

Publicans invented the very notion of multi-tasking. From this side of the bar, it's easy to praise the licensee for the many roles he has to play during a day in the life of his pub and its regulars. It's a lot harder if you're the person trying to do it.

The publican must be counsellor, confidant, judge, policeman, agony aunt, comedian, inquisitor, fount of all knowledge, and friend. He's supposed to remember names and drinks preferences. He must have a well-considered opinion on all topics, but not express it unless he's asked.

I've spoken to licensees who pull all this off brilliantly, and whose pubs are always busy as a result. But privately, they admit that the effort it takes is exhausting.

Feeling a bit under the weather? Got a hangover? Just feel like being quiet today? Tough. You've got to get out there and perform anyway.

To be able to combine such a complex, highly functioning set of social skills with the basics of being a talented entrepreneur, capable administrator and effective boss would be a daunting task for any business leader, politician or celebrity.

The fact that 10s of thousands of publicans can pull it off, giving so much of themselves to their business and their customers, is what makes the British pub unique and revered around the world.

Thanks, guys.