Fighting red tape and rubbish
You've got to feel for Bob Neill, the loveable pubs minister. No, dear, not like that. I mean the poor bloke has rather a lot on his plate at the moment. As well as sticking up for community pubs over things like burdensome red tape, much of it about to be implemented by his government, Neill rolled up his sleeves last week to tackle the nation's refuse mountain wot has grown Himalaya-like across the UK throughout the Christmas and new year period. Blasting certain local councils for what he called their 'complacency' over the mess, 'Super Bob' thundered it was unacceptable that domestic household rubbish had not been collected for up to three weeks. He also attacked what he called "an unhealthy backlog of waste", which, as unpleasant mental images go, is up there with the best of them...
Hold the front page
Staying with Neill, I was in Publican Towers 'twixt Christmas and New Year and was jolly excited to receive a press release from his department so sensitive we were forbidden to publish it until a minute past midnight on New Year's Eve. Lummy, I wondered (to no-one in particular, since everyone else was at home enjoying themselves), what news could be so red-hot 'Super Bob' wants it published at a time when no-one in their right mind will read it?! The beer tie to go? The smoking ban repealed?! The break-up of any pub operator with an estate of more than, oh, 10 pubs?! Nope, Neill was heralding the launch of a consultation on the issue of restrictive covenants on pubs — cue much pantomime booing from CAMRA, Fair Pint, et al — "by the summer of 2011". So, er, not that time-sensitive then…
Text translation
iPads and Kindles may be all the rage these days, but I'm still getting used to predictive text on my house brick of a mobile phone. It can certainly throw up some interesting alternatives for words you actually want to use, can't it? There I was last week, updating the diary on said communications device regarding an upcoming meeting involving the All-Party Parliamentary Beer Group, and when I typed in the acronym 'APPBG' my phone offered up the word 'spongers'. I realise MPs aren't in the APPBG for the free beer, nor would I suggest that members were among those caught up/out in the expenses scandal. Still, it made me laugh. On the subject of predictive text, if you type in 'pint' it often comes out as 'shot', so ordering drinks using this method can be hazardous. To say the least…
Here's the science bit
Whoever said scientific studies are a waste of time? Danish researchers decided to test a local Old Wives' Tale which suggests it's possible to get drunk by submerging one's feet in booze for an extended period. After sinking their plates in a footbath holding three bottles-worth of vodka for three hours, adult volunteers were tested for signs of drunkenness, including — and I quote — "the number of times they desired spontaneous hugs". The outcome of the experiment? "There was no increase in the concentration of alcohol in the participants' bloodstream," said Dr Peter Lommer Kristensen of Hillerod Hospital, who conducted the research, adding that such a study was important "to prevent students wasting their time experimenting with this activity". As reasons go, we think that's fair...
Aussies fail to measure up
"Back off Brussels" is one of Pub Landlord Al Murray's favourite catchphrases. But it was more like "Back off Brisbane" last week after the government announced plans to permit pubs to serve beer in the Australian two-third-pint "schooner" measure. For some Publican.com readers this was too much to take. 'Keith L' commented: "I always knew the Aussies could not take a man's drink, so now the UK government want to sell a girl-sized pint do they!?" Another wag quipped: "It had to happen schooner or later." Laugh? We nearly did. The Aussies have taken one hell of beating from England in the Ashes, so we'll lay off them for a while. Well, when we say a while… EASY! EASY! EASY!