Robert Sayles: We're down - but are we out?

"Ladies and Gentlemen. Good evening, and welcome to Madison Square Garden.

"Tonight, we are pleased to present a world heavyweight title fight for your entertainment.

"In the blue corner, we have the current, undefeated champion of the world. With a record of 31 and 0, (23 knockout outs) I give you The Publican!

"In the red corner we have an unknown challenger making his debut here in New York..."

Commentator 1 (Joe): "So, Ted. How do you see this one going?"

Commentator 2 (Ted): "I don't think it's gonna last long. On paper this looks about as one sided as it gets.

"The champ is looking in awesome shape, he really is..."

Round four

"Well Ted, you were right. This is barely a contest. The only surprise is that it's lasted this long.

"The champ is all over the challenger. Surely it's only a matter of time before the referee steps in.

"The champ is just too good tonight… err... wait… the challenger is going on the offensive! He's managed to catch the champ with a couple of jabs…

"Perhaps this fight's not over just yet… wait... I don't believe it!!

"He's hit the champ with a smoking ban!!

"Where did that come from? Oh my goodness, the champ is staggering!!! He doesn't know where he is! This is sensational!!!

"Are we about to witness one of the greatest upsets in boxing history?

"What a turnaround! The champ's in real trouble here. He's hanging on for dear life. The crowd's going wild!

"The challenger has turned this fight on its head! The champ looks badly shaken. He's on the ropes getting battered. Who could have foreseen this? This fight has come alive in round four..."

Round five

"It's a completely different fight now. The champ's taking some serious punishment here. The challenger has taken control...

"The champ has lost his composure; he clearly hasn't recovered from that big hit he took in the fourth...

"The challenger has caught him again! This time with a full blown recession…. he's tottering... Oh my god, he's gone down!!!

"The champ is down!! He's on the canvas!!! Unbelievable!!!

"Sensational scenes here at Madison Square Garden!! The crowd can't believe it… The champ is down!!

"I really don't think he's going to beat the count...

"He's up, the champ is up, but surely he can't go on….

"He doesn't seem to know where he is. The champ is staggering around the ring. He's all over the place. His legs have gone!

"Oh my God! We're on the verge of a sensation here!"

The bell rings​

"Saved by the bell! The champ is staggering back to his corner.

"He looks all in.

"Well, Ted, what a transformation; from being in complete control the champ has taken a couple of big hits. Now he's really up against it.

"Is there any way back for him? Surely he isn't going to be able to come out for another round, is he?"

"To be honest Joe, I can't see any way back for him from this. The champ looks finished."

Round six

"Unbelievably, the corner have managed to patch him up. He's coming out for round six. He's staggering all over the place. He's got no idea where he is. He's out on his feet!

"He's taking a lot of punishment; the challenger's caught him again, this time with a 4% hike in barrel prices!! That's rocked the champ back on his heels!

"He's on the ropes! The champ is desperately trying to hang on.

"Sensational scenes here. The crowd sense we're on the verge of an upset……they're going wild!

"The champ can't handle the challenger's hand speed. Oh my god he's caught the champ again...this time with a duty escalator to the rib cage!!

"He's gone down!!! The champ's down again!!!

"This is an unbelievable turnaround. The champ can't cope with this onslaught!

"Two minutes into round six the champ is down for the second time! Surely there's no way back from this?

"Unbelievable, he's up at the count of eight. The corner want to throw in the towel, the champ's shaking his he, he wants to carry on… Can you believe it?

"Absolutely sensational scenes here at the Madison Square Garden! We're on the verge of the biggest upset since Ali beat Liston.

"I don't think the champ can take much more of this…"

Round seven

"He's coming out for the seventh. How much longer can the champ keep going? Surely he's not going to last another round?

"The challenger's moving in. He's caught the champ with an increase to his rateable value, and followed it up with a visit from the bailiffs!!

"The champ staggers back onto the ropes! He doesn't know where he is, the challenger's picking him off at will now!

"Surely the ref's got to step in and stop this?

"The champ's been hit again, this time with a hike in utility prices. That's shaken him...

"Oh my goodness! The champ has taken another big hit, the challenger's caught him with some inflated dilapidations!

"The champ didn't see that coming! He's gone down!!

"The crowd can't believe what they're seeing!!

"I don't think there's any way back from that… Surely that's it...

"Hang on, he's getting up. He's trying to beat the count. He's made it on the count of nine. Unbelievable!!

"Wait a minute, the referee is calling the doc in to have a look at that cut...I think they're going to have to stop the fight....

"The blood is pouring out; surely they've got to stop it. Wait...No…they've decided to let him carry on...

"Incredible scenes here! What determination and courage from the champ. Despite the beating, he seems determined not to give up!

"How much longer do you think this can go on Ted?"

"Well it's clear he's out on his feet. If he takes another big hit then that'll be the end of this fight, that's for sure!"

Round eight

"The challenger moves in throwing more punches. He's caught the champ again! This time with a VAT rise!!!

"Oooh! That hurt the champ... He's hanging on for dear life!!

"Surely it's only a matter of time now?

"How much more of this can the champ take?"

"Oh... The challenger's caught him again... This time with an index linked increase to his dry rent!!!

"He's down!!

"That must be it! There's no coming back from that surely?

"The crowd think it's all over. The champ is trying to get up... I don't think he's going to make it this time.

"Two... Three...

"The champ looks out...

"Four... Five...

"He looks finished...surely there's no way back from this?

"Six... Seven...

"Wait… He's trying to get up! This man just never seems to know when to give up!!

"Eight..."

"Come on champ!! Get up!!!"

"Nine..."

Question. What happens next?

It is clear that publicans are under assault from all sides, increasingly desperate for some degree of help and support.

Is it fair to say that in many cases at least, all they are likely to encounter are people preoccupied with grabbing a slice of an ever-shrinking pie?