Where Eagles Dare
“Gentlemen, be seated. You’ve been brought here to take part in a top-secret mission. If any of you have any qualms about putting your lives on the line for the sake of the great British pub then speak now.”
No-one uttered a word.
“Good, then let’s get down to business.”
He turned his attention to a large map on the wall behind him; pointing to a prominent boundary marked in red.
“This is the 51st parallel; the boundary separating freedom from oppression. All pubs north of this line are tied; everything south of it free of tie.
We’ve been hearing some pretty horrifying stories about what’s going on up there. Last week a tenant managed to make it across the border. Some of the things he told us are quite frankly unbelievable.
What we do know is that thousands of pubs are closing. We need to get someone in there, so we can ascertain whether things are as bad as we’ve been led to believe.”
He turned to look at me.
“Bob. We’ve arranged to have you parachuted in. At 1900 hours tomorrow evening one of our choppers will take you in under the enemy radar. Have you ever jumped from 17,000 feet before?”
“Err…I can’t say I have no.”
“Don’t worry. We’ll arrange for some training later today. Here’s the wireless you’ll use to report back to us. Your codename is ‘Danny Boy’. Any questions?”
“Err…no.”
“Good luck.”
Day 4
“Danny Boy calling Broadsword…..Danny Boy calling Broadsword.”
“Broadsword here. We’d all but given up on you Danny Boy. What’s your situation?”
“The eagle has landed. Repeat the eagle has landed. Not only that, I’ve got myself a tied pub; moving in tomorrow.”
“How did you manage that?”
“I made it clear to the pubco that government taxation is the major hurdle for licensees and that now, more than ever before, licensees need to work together with our partners; taking advantage of the unbelievably fabulous levels of support on offer.”
“How did they respond?”
“BDM almost pissed himself with excitement. Gave me the standard deal. Full tie, astronomical rent based on laughable FMT figures, and of course full repairing and insurance obligations. Apparently the place hasn’t made a penny in years.”
“My God, it seems the stories we’ve been hearing are true. Good luck Danny Boy. Broadsword over and out.”
Day 8
“Danny Boy calling Broadsword…..Danny Boy calling Broadsword.”
“Broadsword here. What’s your situation?”
“Bloody awful Sir. First morning in the pub, got woken up by some bloke wanting to check my fire extinguishers. Apparently they all need replacing. Got hit with a bill for over a thousand pounds.”
“No sooner had he left than the Fire Safety Officer pitched up. Apparently my pub doesn’t conform to current fire regulations. It’s going to cost me around 6 grand to get that sorted.”
“Not a good start. Keep us updated. Broadsword over and out.”
Day 14
“Danny Boy calling Broadsword…..Danny Boy calling Broadsword.”
“Broadsword here. What’s your situation?”
“Deteriorating fast Sir. BDM pitched up to remind me of my repair obligations. He says I need to re-tarmac the car park. The estimate from the pubco contractor arrived in the post this morning.”
“How much?”
“Ninety five thousand, four hundred and thirty two pounds, forty three pence.”
“It’s going to take you a while to get that back.”
“By my calculations about 76 years. BDM says I need to take a long-term view of my investment.”
“Not looking too promising is it? Broadsword over and out.”
Day 16
“Danny Boy calling Broadsword…..Danny Boy calling Broadsword.”
“Broadsword here. What’s your situation?”
“Pissed down last night. The function room now has a couple of rivers and a lake where the dance floor used to be. I don’t think anyone has spent a penny on this place in years.”
“Who’s going to sort that out?”
“The pubco have offered me a support package.”
“Really?”
“Yes, BDM came around yesterday. Knew something was up because he tried to be friendly. Asked me if I had any property. Told him I owned an 8 bedroomed mansion with no mortgage.”
“What did he say to that?”
“Offered me a brand new roof on the spot. Apparently they’re going to rentalise the cost.”
“Keep us updated. Broadsword over and out.”
Day 19
“Danny Boy calling Broadsword…..Danny Boy calling Broadsword.”
“Broadsword here. What’s your situation?”
“It’s all going pear-shaped Sir. Before I moved in my BDM assured me the pub was doing 950 barrels a year. I’m starting to think he might have been exaggerating.”
“How much have you managed to sell so far?”
“6”
“Barrels?”
“No, pints.”
“Have you enquired about a rent reduction?”
“Affirmative. They say no-can-do. Apparently they don’t class me as a reasonably efficient operator. BDM says I’m on a stepped rent as it is. It’s due to go up 40% next month.”
“What are you living on?”
“The emergency rations I brought with me. Reckon I’ve got enough for about another week or so.”
“Keep us updated. Broadsword over and out.”
Day 21
“Danny Boy calling Broadsword…..Danny Boy calling Broadsword.”
“Broadsword here. What’s your situation?”
“Things going from bad to worse Sir. Beer monitoring equipment in the cellar’s packed up. Not surprising really. Hasn’t been serviced since it was installed.”
“Has the pubco addressed the issue?”
“Yes, the volume recovery personnel popped in for a chat.”
“Ah, I was wondering when the chimps would pitch up.”
“Pubco’s hit me with a tampering fee; £2,420. They’ve also stung me for 20 grand - lost revenue they say. They’ve based the total on estimated data.”
“My God, they’re really starting to take the piss, aren’t they? Hang on in there Danny Boy. Broadsword over and out.”
Day 25
“Danny Boy calling Broadsword….Danny Boy calling Broadsword.”
“Broadsword here. We’re having difficulty hearing you. What’s the problem?”
“Bailiffs came today; took everything, including the wireless. I’ve managed to rig up a temporary transmitter, using a car battery and a coat hanger.”
“What’s your situation over?”
“Dire Sir. I’ve only managed to sell 4½ pints so far this week.”
“What does the BDM say?”
“Says I need to reposition the pub. Wants me to sell coffee and accept his refurb plan.”
“What sort of refurb plan?”
“A brand new kitchen, funded by another rental increase. BDM thinks there’s an untapped market out there. It seems a new kitchen will generate unbelievable levels of footfall, making the business viable.”
“Keep us updated. Broadsword over and out.”
Day 29
“Danny Boy calling Broadsword…..Danny Boy calling Broadsword.”
“Broadsword here. What’s your situation?”
“Perilous Sir. Couldn’t pay the beer this week. Pubco have refused to process my order. Without beer I can’t make money to pay the rent.”
“What did the BDM say?”
“Asked me if I had a credit card! Think I’ll have to buy out.”
“Hang on in there Danny Boy. Broadsword over and out.”
Day 31
“Danny Boy calling Broadsword…..Danny Boy calling Broadsword.”
“Broadsword here. What’s your situation?”
“Need immediate extraction Sir. Repeat need immediate extraction.”
“No can do Danny Boy. Storm approaching. Chopper can’t take off. You’re on your own for now. Broadsword over and out.”
To be continued…..
