Accidents can happen… but twice?!
I had just started my shift behind the bar in a busy London pub when something happened but I didn’t know anything about it at the time.
There were some builders in and some older regulars – it wasn’t mad busy because it was just coming up to lunchtime.
I noticed one the regulars had his shoes off – and his socks too – then I noticed by the power of sight and smell that he has clearly trodden in some dog dirt.
He carried on drinking with his couple of friends but the smell was, frankly, too much.
I saw the barefooted one put his shoes back on and went to the toilets but all this seemed to do was spread the smell and mess around further and it wasn’t until he emerged from the toilet, I found out what had happened.
My colleague went over to the trio and said to the offender that this was the second time it had happened, and clearly none of our local canines were to blame for the crime.
He’d obviously made the mess himself but had decided it wasn’t going to stop him from continuing to drink his pint and didn’t give a monkeys about the pub, the staff or even any other customers as he wallowed in his own filth.
We had to eject him but it took a lot of persuasion and none of us were brave enough to physically ‘help’ him leave the pub.
It’s a tough one because he’s a regular and he has been back since and, if he has soiled himself since, none of us have noticed so we’re giving him a pass – and plenty of space too.
Still don’t know what happened to those socks though…
Risking life and limb in the name of football
When I was watching England back in the day in a pub and Beckham scored that famous goal from the corner, a girl sat at the bar threw her arms up and yelled ‘go on Becks!’
Her left arm was prosthetic and it flew off, hit the ceiling and then came crashing down on a whole table of pints. I still laugh when I think of it.
There was an immediate shocked silence, she looked mortified and then a second later everyone carried on celebrating. Quite the night in the end...
A very rare visitor
During Covid, when there was no inside dining, during a hot bank holiday Monday lunch, a small deer got hit crossing the road and ran into the bar (door was open), dragging its leg and a trail of blood behind it.
The bar staff went to see what happened and it ran into the conservatory restaurant. As the restaurant manager and chef went to try and catch it, it did a runner, jumping into a pane of glass and breaking its front leg, sliding down the window howling.
The diners on the other side of the glass got a real surprise, one of them rushed in to exclaim ‘someone call a vet’...our chef replied ‘I think you need a gamekeeper’.
Subsequently the animal was humanely put out of its misery and a three page letter of complaint ensued from the customer regarding our treatment of animals. We didn’t even get any sausages out of it.
Rookie error - how I ended up buying the regiment a round twice
As a free trade rep looking after the army messes I once had a meeting with the Regimental Sergeant Major in an empty Depot Parachute Regiment Mess.
Having talked business together he was showing me round the mess when we came across a large beautifully polished bell. He told me it had a distinguishable ring and to appreciate it you needed to ring it as loud as possible, so I did.
Soldiers appeared from everywhere and it resulted in me having to buy a round costing more than £125, which in the 80’s was a lot of beer.
A similar trick was played in the Depot Para Mess at Pirbright where they have a hanging the brick ceremony with lots of local people and suppliers being invited.
I had never been before and made the mistake of saying why do you hang a brick from the ceiling. Result was another £100 plus bar bill.
- To take part in The Morning Advertiser’s Barstool Confessions series please email rebecca.weller@wrbm.com. Stories will always be published anonymously.
