In session... with Ben McFarland

Snail's Ale and Lager Tasting (SALT) - "the last word in beer competitions"​

Introduction​

Snails love beer even though it tends to kill them. It's a fatal attraction.

They don't swim very well you see. In fact, they don't swim at all. If you've ever tried breast-stroke while carrying your house on your back, you'll know why.

So when dastardly gardeners offer snails some lovely beer, it's rarely a goodwill gesture but rather a sneaky trap that lures them to a hoppy, malty and watery death.

Cruel, maybe, but is there a better way to go than drowning in beer with your mates?

SALT is not a needless multi-mollusc massacre. The last moments of their spectacularly dull lives will be spent doing something useful - namely voting with their antennae for Britain's best bottled beer.

SALT's approach is devastatingly straightforward yet unparalleled in its scientific rigour. It poses and answers the simple question: when given the choice of nine beers, which will a snail choose to die drinking?

Appartus​

• Nine thirsty snails of various sizes under starters orders in the middle of a circle
• Eight bottled British ales and a lone lager decanted into separate "saucers of doom" (SOD). Placed in a circle equidistant from the gaggle of aforementioned slug
• Digital camera set to lightning-fast shutter-speed
• Starting gun.

Method​

SALT is a marked departure from more humdrum beer competitions. What it lacks in highbrow deliberation on various hop varieties it makes up for in unwavering impartiality.

Unlike some competitions I could mention, SALT is free from both the vagaries of the human tastebuds and the shackles of industry in-fighting and clichéd preconceptions.

A further string to SALT's bow is that snails are hermaphrodites and, as such, have the benefits of both a male and female palate.

Results​

The snails are off and running. Well it's more a very slow slithering really. The excitement of the occasion seems to be getting to some at first.

They're just clambering over each other. Not sure if they're making love or war. Either way, it's an unconventional start to a beer tasting.

Debate on whether it was a snail scuffle or slap 'n' tickle is shelved when five or six break away from the peloton.

The fastest makes a beeline for Marston's Pedigree. He/she by-passes the SOD and starts climbing up the bottle only to stop on the word "Burton".

Elsewhere, amid much dilly-dallying, a second snail clearly wants a bit of the Badger Brewery's Fursty Ferret. After taking a small sip he/she performs a dramatic u-turn for the Marston's - sparking an audible gasp from the crowd.

While a couple of smaller snails remain paralysed by nerves or tiredness, two brave fellows veer towards the Theakston Old Peculier. Only one makes it. He/she climbs aboard the SOD and stays there - just drinking not drowning. Well done him/her.

The other has a change of heart (do snails have hearts?) and chooses the less gassy allure of Cobra instead. He/she takes a long slug and then shins it up the bottle - no doubt impressed by Karan Bilimoria's decision to emboss it - before teetering on the edge yet refraining from a crowd-pleasing Cobra kamikaze.

Wychwood's Fiddlers Elbow, the Rogue Imperial Stout and the Guinness are being ruthlessly shunned while St Peter's Cinnamon and Apple ale flirts a bit with one admirer yet, sadly, is not asked to dance.

One trail does travel towards the Wells Bombardier but, in a surprise move, its maker decides to attach itself to the SOD and fall asleep rather than sample the "Patriotic Pint". Perhaps he/she's French?

Conclusion​

• Gold Medal:​ Marston's Pedigree
  The common garden snail is a Pedigree chum indeed.
• Silver Medal:​ Cobra
  Yet another award for Karan Bilimoria, whose mantelpiece must sag like an Aloo under the enormous weight of his copious gongs.
• Bronze Medal: Theakston's Old Peculier​
  TOP result for the Yorkshire bitter.

Ben was awarded the title of Beer Writer of the year for 2004 by the British Guild of Beer Writers.​