Pub Bitch: Fag puffing chimp off to that great smoking shelter in the sky

Booming business Real ale fanatic and multiple operator Jamie Hawksworth of Pivovar Tap Ltd, who is due to open his latest site in London's Euston on...

Booming business

Real ale fanatic and multiple operator Jamie Hawksworth of Pivovar Tap Ltd, who is due to open his latest site in London's Euston on Bonfire Night, made an alarming discovery when excavating the gaff's cellar. No stranger to rolling up his sleeves and getting stuck in, when builders discovered a shaft next to the Euston Station site that looked like it could be the delivery access point for a Victorian cellar, he did just that. Breaking into said space, however, he was alarmed to find it covered in rifle targets and spent ammunition cases, and liberally pocked with bullet holes. Bonfire Night, cellars, London, gunpowder… it all sounded worryingly familiar. Was this something British Rail would rather he didn't know about, he wondered? Or was some treason afoot? It turned out the cellar was actually the site of an old gun club from the 1970s. No, really.

Primate puffs his last

A fag-puffing chimp has sadly died at a South African zoo at the ripe old age of 52. Why is this relevant to a pub trade magazine? Well, many of our readers believe that smoking doesn't do you any harm at all, and the case of Charlie may be the evidence they're looking for. The animal started smoking when some visitors to Mangaung zoo in Bloemfontein chucked lit fags at him. He took up the habit and according to a zoo spokesman regularly entertained visitors with his madcap antics. A post mortem was being conducted to determine the exact cause of Charlie's demise but the zoo didn't reckon his smoking habit hastened his end; he lived a decade longer than your average chimp, apparently…

European showdown

It was end-to-end stuff at the European Court of Justice in Luxembourg last week, oh yes. I managed to bag myself a seat right behind the dug-outs as bewigged legal types did battle over the issue of foreign satellite football. And much (in fact it has to be said the only) fun was to be had trying to work out which EU government was sympathetic towards Portsmouth licensee Karen Murphy and which backed the Premier League's arguments. Adding to the tension among the crowd was the frantic scrabbling for headphones as the beaks — that's barristers to you and me — riffed in a variety of languages. On the sidelines were translators doing their best to keep up, while 13 judges looked on… yes 13. The end result? A nil-nil draw and on to extra time. Next January. Still, at the end of the day, Ron, it's credit to the lads, they gave a 110 per cent… etc.

Pints at the peak

We don't like to make a mountain out of a molehill but we have to express just a smidgen of disappointment in the direction Marston's beer company boss Stephen Oliver. OK, the man did trek to the summit of Kilimanjaro — some 6,000m above sea level — and yes he did take the opportunity to pose for a picture promoting the trade and his employers with a brew in hand. But did he really have to opt for a can of Marston's Pedigree. I mean, for months now we've been hearing about the convenience factor using the brewer's new Fast Cask real ale system. Surely he could have ditched the can, and maybe a few other non-essential items from his rucksack, and lugged one of those up there? What a great opportunity to introduce the African market to cask ale, we say. Get back to Burton, get your Fast Cask and do it again!

A model guest

Not that he's one to name-drop but licensee and regular Publican blogger Mark Daniels found himself in a spot of bother at a recent celeb-filled party. Mark was attending a bash to mark the renewing of the wedding vows between his magician uncle Paul and the lovely Debbie McGee. Mark's better half was minding the fort, so was unable to attend, but called to ask who was in attendance.

Now she's heard of former Lib Dem MP Lembit Opik and didgeridoo virtuoso Rolf Harris but wasn't sure who the, ahem, 'model' Linsey Dawn McKenzie was, so she decided to look for an image on Google. Try it yourself and you might find out why Mark ended up in the bad books. And the party, well he liked it… but not a lot.

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