Greg Mulholland’s close encounter… of the third kind!

Captain’s Log: ‘We’re currently orbiting the planet Doombar, attempting to broker a peace treaty between two warring factions. Just as negotiations have reached a critical stage - an urgent message has come in from Starfleet Command, necessitating my immediate return to the ship. ​

Senior officers have been assembled for a briefing from Commodore Perkins, via a satellite link. Science Officer Spock, Medical Officer McCoy and Senior Engineer Scotty are in attendance. I’ve been given no indication as to the purpose of the briefing.​’

Lieutenant Uhura: “Starfleet Command making contact Sir.”

Kirk: “Put it on visual.”

Commodore Perkins: “Gentleman, thank you for attending this meeting at such short notice. I’m sorry to pull you away from your current assignment but we’ve got a major crisis on our hands.”

“What’s the problem Commodore?”

“Jim, do you recall the crisis surrounding tied pubs in the UK?”

“Of course, but I thought we sorted that out last time we were there.”

“Unfortunately not. Things have deteriorated rapidly in your absence. The situation is actually much worse than we were initially led to believe. It seems the British Beer and Pub Association is in fact nothing more than a front for an operation run by some old friends of yours; the Borg.”

“That would explain a great deal.”

“Indeed. But there’s worse Jim. We’ve received some pretty credible intelligence they intend to capture Greg Mulholland and assimilate him into their ranks. As a leading proponent of the MRO option, he’s perceived as a major threat to the long-term viability of their business model. His assimilation will essentially remove that threat.”

“Can they do that?”

“Well they certainly didn’t have any problems with Andrew Griffiths and Brandon Lewis. Needless to say, if the Borg Queen gets her hands on Greg then thousands more tied pubs are likely to fall by the wayside.

The upshot is we want you to abort your current mission and return to earth immediately. Whatever you do, make sure the Borg don’t get their hands on Greg.

Good luck Jim.” (end of transmission).

Kirk: “Spock, thoughts?”

Spock: “Eminently logical Captain. As part of the collective, tied tenants become a small part of a whole, losing all sense of individuality. Whilst the Borg are un-emotional, they’re undoubtedly efficient; assimilating almost everyone they come in contact with. They absorb tenants into a vortex of mass consciousness, thereby transforming them into efficient drones who have no recall of their previous lives.

Proponents of the free-of-tie option are understandably viewed as deviants. An open market rent review and an infinite choice of beers and lagers are an anathema to the Borg. Such notions run counter to the well-being of the collective. Those who espouse such values must be assimilated for the common good.

Greg Mulholland is a leading proponent of MRO. Logic dictates therefore that he too must be assimilated.”

Scotty: “But Captain, if the Borg succeed then the whole reform movement is under threat.”

Kirk: “I’m well aware of the fact Mr. Scott. Make ready our engines. I need you to get us back to Earth as fast as you can. Warp factor 9.”

“Aye Captain.”

Captains Log:​​ ‘The year is 2014. We’ve returned to Earth in an attempt to prevent the Borg from seriously undermining the pubco reform movement through the assimilation of Greg Mulholland.’  ​

“Spock, status?”

“I fear we might be too late Captain. Greg’s already been taken aboard the Borg battle cruiser. Sensors indicate he’s being interrogated by the Borg queen. No sign of other life-forms in the vicinity.”

The Borg Ship​

“Finally we meet. Greg isn’t it; or should I say the Casked Crusader?”

“Who are you? What do you want from me?”

“We want you to join us, become part of the collective. Work with us Greg, for the good of licensees. You see, being free-of-tie is not all it’s cracked up to be. We offer our partners support at a time when government taxation is forcing unprecedented numbers of pubs to close. Government is the true enemy of licensees, not us.”

“More smoke and mirrors! Government taxation is a red herring and you know it. The real issue is your annual price hikes. How much is beer going up next year? Let me guess, 6%?

How are you going to sell that to licensees this time? No, don’t tell me. The rising price of hops?”

“Oh Greg, such cynicism. It doesn’t become you. Rest assured, we’re very passionate about our pubs.”

“Presumably that’s why you’re flogging them all off to Tesco?”

“It’s for the good of the collective Greg. How can I begin to make you understand?”

“What tenants want is choice! Let me give some examples. How about Megalithic from the Caveman Brewery? Or maybe even Twisted Sister from microbrewer Hellhound? Then again, I’m quite fond of A Drop of Nelson’s Blood from the Maldon Brewing Company. Then there’s Skiffle and Strummer from Shortts Farm.

Fat chance of me getting any of these in a tied pub, is there?”

“Our tenants sell exactly what we want them to sell. Forget all these fancy new beers coming onto the market. Our tenants are more than happy with the tried and trusted products we give them.”

“You mean John Smiths?”

“John Smiths gives us a hefty mark-up; that is good for the collective.”

“You seriously think tenants give a toss about the collective?”

“Greg, we appreciate your concerns. That’s why we’ve recently added an additional option.”

“Which is?”

“John Smith’s Smoothflow.”

“Are you people for real?”

“That’s not all. In the spirit of working with our partners we’re planning on extending our product range still further.”

“Let me guess. John Smith’s Extra Smooth?”

“You need to change your mind-set Greg, think of the benefits to the collective. Individual aspirations need to be put to one side, for the good of the whole. Surely you can see where I’m coming from?”  

“Oh don’t worry. I can see exactly where you’re coming from.”

“Join us Greg, work with us. You won’t regret it.”

“I’ll never sacrifice the fundamental principle that a tied operator should be no worse off than a free-of-tie counterpart. It’s the only way to stop leeches like you destroying lives and closing pubs.”

“Greg, you don’t appear to understand. Resistance is futile. What will it take for you to join us willingly? A seat on the board perhaps?”

“You can do whatever you want. It won’t stop me calling for statutory regulation and MRO.”

“Then unfortunately you leave me no option. As you can see, my minions have attached electrodes to your testicles; I affectionately refer to them as my ‘instruments of persuasion’. Trust me; once I flick this switch you’ll quickly learn to appreciate the benefits of the tied model.”

The Starship Enterprise​

Spock: “Captain, sensors indicate electrodes have been attached to a pretty sensitive part of Greg’s anatomy. Unless we get over there pretty damned quick he’ll soon be doing some pretty convincing impersonations of a boy soprano.”

“Lock onto his co-ordinates Scotty and beam us over. As soon as we’re on board neutralise the Borg queen before she gets a chance to do some long-term damage to Greg. Phasers on stun.”

“Aye Captain.”

(Kirk and his men materialise just as the Borg queen is about to power up her instruments of persuasion).​

Kirk: “I wouldn’t do that if I were you.”

“Well, well. Captain Kirk and his merry men riding to the rescue once more?”

“Fire.” (Borg queen is rendered unconscious by the combined phaser power of Kirk, Scotty and Spock)​. 

“Tie her up Spock. She’ll come around in a few minutes and I need to try and talk some sense into her. Are you OK Greg?”

“I’m fine Jim; but I’d be grateful if you could remove these electrodes.”

“Of course. That was a close run thing. The important thing is you haven’t been assimilated. The pubco reform movement lives on. Now before we leave I need to have a word with Madam here.”

Within minutes the Borg Queen regains consciousness.​

Kirk: “I’m going to say this only once, so listen and listen well.

It’s about time you started to face up to some rather unpalatable facts. Those ‘golden years’, when people literally fell over themselves to ‘live the dream’ are a very distant memory. Tenants are deserting the trade in droves; tired of having to endure the pitiful hand-to-mouth existence that your business model demands.”

“Err…but government taxation …”

“Deception, duplicity and a 90+hour week for less than minimum wage are the reality for the tied tenant of today. Don’t you think the time has come to put something rather more tangible on the table?”

“Err…but government taxation …”

“All around us burning fires provide an all-too-visible reminder of the carnage your institution has wrought. Yet even now you remain oblivious to our understandable concerns. Complacency and greed continue to hold sway. How many more pubs need to close before the inevitability of change becomes apparent to you?”

“Err…but government taxation …”

“You proudly proclaiming that self-regulation’s working. Are you deluded enough to believe anyone out there attaches any credibility to pronouncements so at odds with reality?”

“Err…but...government taxation...”

“Your obsession with seeking scapegoats has left you blind to your own failings. You talk of attracting better quality tenants; the supposed ‘entrepreneurs’ of this world. More empty rhetoric from an organisation that continues to peddle its modern day Dickensian business model – taking with one hand, before swiftly returning to remove whatever crumbs remain with the other.”

“Err…but government ...”

”The fact of the matter is that you actively seek out those who have little; reassured by the fact that when the time comes to relieve them of the few possessions they have, little will be forthcoming in the way of resistance.”

“Err…but government….”

“In an attempt to deflect attention away from your own failings you protest your innocence to those foolish enough to listen. What is abundantly clear is that the impetus for meaningful change will never emerge from an organisation whose sole intent is to ensure the merest hint of reform is blocked at every turn.”

“Err…but …”

“You talk of passion; yet your greed is evident to us all. You talk of support yet all licensees encounter is deception and ambiguity. You talk of partnership whilst propagating a business model that condemns supposed ‘partners’ to a life of penury.”

“Err…but ….”

“Never has the need for change been more self-evident. Unfortunately, your preoccupation with profits has left you blind to one rather unpalatable fact. Without your tenants you are nothing.”

“Err…but ….”

“Has the time not come to embrace the vociferous calls for reform? Discard the vestiges of an outdated business model while there is still time; work with us to get this great industry back on track.”

“Err….”

“Good tenants are an asset, one to be valued, nurtured and rewarded. The sad fact is that you have shown them nothing but contempt; relegating them to nothing more than a resource, one to be exploited at every turn.”

“Err…but..”

“It is they who are the life blood of this industry not you.”

Greg: “You’re wasting your time Jim. You’ll never change her mindset. She’s fully committed to the collective.”

“You’re right. Affirmative action is the only way we’re ever going to win this. Let’s get out of here.

Enterprise; four to beam aboard.”

“Err…hang on; hang on.....what about government taxation?”

“Energize.”