Disgruntled user 'Martin O' left the review after visiting the JW Lees-owned Woodhouse Gardens pub in Manchester.
He said: “A few years ago, I was walking down the street when three lads in balaclavas jumped me, slashed me a few times with a pocket knife and then finished it off by stealing a couple of hundred quid and kicking me in the head, leaving me covered in blood.
“I would, hand on heart, say that they were more polite than the staff in here.”
He then went on to say that he booked a table for 12noon on a Saturday and some of the party had certain dietary requirements.
Martin O also claimed he was served by a multitude of staff at the pub and outlined his thoughts on why this was.
He said: “Throughout the service, we were served by about 45 different people. I think this is a cunning ploy so that you forget who to blame for what."
The review said: “We asked one girl for the cocktail menu and she told us they didn’t serve them before sprinting off.”
He added that his party pointed out a poster, which urged drinkers to ‘try a cocktail’ at another member of staff who said he was good at making them but then, the diners didn’t see the waiter again.
“My theory is that he went to ask the manager if he could be flexible and she murdered him before shoving him in the cellar. I’m just waiting for the missing posters to start popping up in the local area then I’ll tell my side of the story. All we wanted was a Daiquiri.”
He outlined how, when ordering the main courses, the party asked the restaurant manager to have sausages instead of beef on the roast dinners and claimed she replied saying the pub was too busy but the user said his party was the only table dining in the pub.
Martin O continued with explaining how ordering dessert was when “the real drama began” as his sister (whose birthday it was) has a genuine nut allergy, which could result in her throat swelling and she would have to take antihistamines.
He claimed his sister asked the server if the brownie had nuts in to which the member of staff replied with “nah, it’s a brownie”.
“In hindsight, I think the girl misheard and thought my sister said ‘does that have fluff in it’ it’s the only answer I can think of," he said.
He added: “Drama ensued as my sister took one bite before grabbing for her antihistamines as though her life depended on it (which it probably did).
“The girl strolled off to be replaced by member of staff no.328, the restaurant manager, who politely asked if we required an ambulance.
“I couldn’t look at this stage and just buried my head in my hands as the awkwardness consumed me. She asked if we needed an ambulance in the same tone as she would ask you if you wanted ice in your drink.
“I thought she was going to continue with ‘or do you want to just die here? If you do die here then we’ll take the brownie off the bill for you’. Once my sister had finished going into anaphylactic shock, I ate the brownie and I must say it was delicious. A lot of very large nuts in it though.”
The user signed off the review: “A truly terrible experience but the worst thing about all of this is that I will have to go in again at some point because the pub down the road is even worse.”
The Morning Advertiser contacted the Woodhouse Gardens but no one was available to comment.
To see the full review, click here.