Disgruntled operator tackles TripAdvisor critics and complainers in poem

By Stuart Stone contact

- Last updated on GMT

Pub poem: the Castle Inn's Calvin Dow has aimed a light hearted dig at customers in poem 'Life Behind Bars'
Pub poem: the Castle Inn's Calvin Dow has aimed a light hearted dig at customers in poem 'Life Behind Bars'
The operator of a Yorkshire pub has levelled a light-hearted dig at difficult customers in a poem titled ‘Life Behind Bars’.

Calvin Dow of the Castle Inn in Skipton, North Yorkshire, explained: “It’s just a bit of fun, but the days of social media, TripAdvisor, Google Reviews are starting to take their toll a little bit.

“Nobody seems happy with anything anymore.

“People's expectations are so high these days because of aspects such as celebrity chefs on the television, cheap and fast food at the likes of JDW, it seems people have forgotten that good food needs to be cooked and the costs that are involved in the process.

“If you have a look at our TripAdvisor page, we have a huge amount of excellent reviews, so we're obviously doing something right, however, there are still those people who go straight to the computer and write a bad and misleading review – so I did the same.

“Just trying to show the hard-working people of our trade it is OK to have a laugh and don't take it to heart.”

Life Behind Bars

By Disgruntled Pub Landlord, Calvin Dow (12 September 2018)

Publicans, chefs and bar staff across the country wide,

Let's all unite together and tell them from our side!

 

You come into our pubs, never wipe your feet and let your kids run riot,

Our extensive menu just isn't enough because your wife's still on that diet!

 

Gluten-free this and vegan that, we're trying so hard to please,

But there's so many things, we're trying our best, come on, we're down on our knees!

 

“This is nothing special!” “It's just pub grub!” “We expected real fine dining!”

Look, it says pub on the sign, what do you want, just shut up and stop whining!

 

The soup's too hot, the coffee's too cold and apparently our food is too dear!

Just what has happened to the good old days, when you went to the pub for a beer?

 

“We've got a coach to catch!” “Where is our food?” “We've waited well over an hour!”

Give us a break, and with a face like that, no wonder your beer has gone sour!

 

“This veg isn't fresh!” “This meat's not local!” “Don't treat me like a sucker!”

Well, if you can do better, why leave the house, surely you've got your own cooker!

 

She raved about this and ranted about that, but stormed out before I could advise her,

But instead of telling me the truth, yes, straight to TripAdvisor!

 

There was a man, so rude to me, he swore and got up right in my space,

Let me tell you, just one word more, I'd have smacked him square in the face!

 

“No baby changing?” “No colouring books?” “Just what kind of pub is this?”

A proper one, luv, you must remember, because it sounds like you're taking the p**s!

 

“I'd like a jug of water and two glasses, brought to the table we've chosen”,

Not a problem, sir, but I hope you don't mind, that all of our ice cubes are frozen!

 

“Landlord, you must provide free water at all times, just so that you know”,

Turn up here, in the middle of the night, yes, from a bucket via top window!

“I want a refund!” “I'll pay you half!” “I'm simply not paying for this!”

But you've eaten the food, that's not how it works, next time, just give us a miss!

 

“I was next, not her! were you a good landlord, you'd know what to do!”

But, ah yes, were you a good customer, you'd know how to queue, wouldn't you?

 

“What can I get you?” “I don't know!” why is this such a hard task?

Whatever he wants, when he decides, I bet he orders the Guinness last!

 

“I'd like a BLT, without tomato and hold the salad garni!”

Have you any idea, what you've just ordered from me, is nowt but a bacon sarnie!

 

“This beer is cloudy, but it tastes all right, is there a way that you can amend?”

If it tastes OK, just close you're eyes, that way, it won't offend!

 

“We want to sit here, no, we want to sit there!” yet they move all the menus on tables

Give us a break, they all read the same, this is more than my patience enables!

 

“I can't drink gin out of a half pint glass, what are you doing? That's sacrilege!”

There's no glasses left because you don't bring them back! I'm throwing me off a bridge!

 

There's dogs on the seats, kids running around with parents giving them chase,

“There's a hair in my food!” “It's too noisy in here!” My God, get me out of this place!

 

“We've always fancied a pub, when we retire, it looks like such a nice pastime!”

Honestly guys, if that's what you think, here's the keys, you can just have mine!

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