Just desserts

PubChef's lighter look at the pub food world

Ridiculous customer complaint

"We had smoked pheasant breast on the menu and the pub was packed. One lady began complaining very loudly that she thought the pheasant was actually bacon.

"We told her there wasn't any bacon on the menu and therefore we had none in the kitchen.

But she refused to believe us. I even offered to show her a pheasant with its feathers still

attached. The best thing was that the breast had shot in it! I'm not sure how she thought we

killed pigs..."

Ross Williams, the Wellington, Wellington, Herefordshire

Jokeof themonth

Diner: "Waiter, there is no chicken in my chicken pie."

Waiter: "Well, would you expect to find dog in a dog biscuit, sir?"

Crimes against pub food

Too-fast food

We're under no illusion that every pub meal is prepared from scratch. But unless we've ordered an express lunch, we're unimpressed by food appearing two minutes after we've ordered it.

Food served instantly after ordering gives us the unmistakeable message that it has probably just been defrosted and plonked on our plates.

This isn't about never using frozen food - it's about bothering to create some mystery and excitement, so that the diner feels like they are getting some value for money.

We wouldn't even mind if you wanted to hold back our slice of bought-in chocolate cake for a few minutes so that you could dust it with icing sugar and maybe treat us to some ice-cream or a dash of chocolate sauce.

Leaving us sitting there for those five extra minutes, allowing us to salivate more than Pavlov's poodle, is all part of the excitement.

So what is the optimum waiting time? We remember reading somewhere that it is actually 17 minutes, but we wouldn't mind lingering half an hour or more if we knew our treats were lovingly prepared and guaranteed to taste fabulous.

Menu misprints

Brie and cramberry baguette

Just how many berries can you fit into a baguette?

Chilly concarne

We'd rather have ours piping hot, thanks.

Home-made quich with rocket salad

Maybe Harry Potter would love this,

but it doesn't work any magic for us.